


we found each other in the dark

by ksmalltalk



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Falling In Love, Fate & Destiny, M/M, New Beginnings, Revelations, Second Chances, Soulmate AU, fated mates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:35:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25069243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ksmalltalk/pseuds/ksmalltalk
Summary: For nine years, Eddie Diaz has been trying and failing to defy destiny in a marriage he knows was never meant to be.For nine years, Evan "Buck" Buckley has convinced himself that maybe he isn’t destined to be with anyone after his soulmate marking fails to fill in.When the clock resets, two soulmates find their paths converging and uncover truths they’ve both been searching for.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 164
Kudos: 446
Collections: Buck and Eddie are Soulmates





	1. the pieces don't fit anymore

**Author's Note:**

> hello, hello! this is my first crack at an au like this so i really hope you guys enjoy it. the fic is titled after the song by city and colour of the same name. i'm nervous af but i'm keeping my fingers crossed anyone who reads it will like it! if you do, kudos and/or comments would be ace

_I've been twisting and turning,  
In a space that's too small.  
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall,  
You've been closing me in, closing the space in my heart.  
Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart_

There are very few things in life that can be considered a sure thing. Some matters are safe bets, close approximations that still have a chance of panning out differently. But a genuine, honest to God certainty is hard to come by.

This is what makes the concept of a soulmate so palatable to many. For Eddie, the idea of a soulmate is both a blessing and a curse. As he lands himself in yet another argument with his wife, his frustration is at an all-time high. He knows this wasn’t the life he was meant to live and this certainly isn’t the person he’s supposed to be sharing the rest of his life with either. Maybe that’s part of the reason why their fights are so explosive. Shannon knows the truth as well as he does.

It was already foretold.

“I can’t keep having the same fight with you, Eddie,” Shannon hisses. It’s a line she’s said to him so often that Eddie feels nothing when he hears it.

He’s sick and tired of fighting with her too but that’s one of the only things they succeed at together after all this time. He rubs subconsciously at his wrist where another woman’s name is printed on his skin. It’s a point of fact neither of them discusses. This is the second thing they’re both really good at: not mentioning the truth that their relationship was never actually built to last. They defied their destinies in order to try and make their union work. But with each passing day, all they manage to do is prove the point time and time again that they aren’t meant to be together.

It’s a fact they’ve become experts at tiptoeing around, like a spill on the floor both of them are too stubborn to wipe away.

As it is most of the time, they’re arguing over their son and it needles at Eddie incessantly that their disputes always center around Christopher though he knows there’s something deeper at play here. If only either of them was bold enough to call it out, to say that their relationship was a farce and never should have gone this far. How liberating it would be to tap out.

“I think we should get a divorce,” Shannon hiccups, wiping at her tear-streaked face.

Eddie’s head snaps towards her. For as much as this thought has lived within him, it’s not a sentence he thought either of them would have the courage to say. With the words out there now, Shannon already looks freer. He hasn’t been the only one suffocating over the last few years, he’s always known that. But to see the instant physical change in her now really drives the point home. It’s painful being together. It isn’t always bad but those moments of reprieve are few and far between and never really last long enough to make this relationship feel like something worth saving. All they’ve been doing is hurting themselves and, subsequently, their child by holding onto something that’s already dead and gone.

Eddie wanted to make it work for Chris’ sake, and if he’s being honest, vainly for his own as well. Admitting defeat isn’t something he’s ever been particularly good at. He’s a fighter, he runs toward the trouble instead of away from it, doing all that he can to solve a problem. But maybe, he concedes, this is how they win. Maybe cutting their losses is truly the real victory. There’s nothing to be gained from constant sparring and a broken family. There’s no honor in that, he knows.

“You’re right. We should,” he admits. He feels the relief he saw in Shannon’s demeanor just a moment ago.

His chest feels lighter. For nine years there’s been pressure there and suddenly with four words, air comes rushing in. There’s something extremely liberating in speaking an uneasy truth out loud. This is the right call and he can’t believe it’s taken them both this long to pull the plug on this once and for all. Eddie had been stubborn and a bit prideful, he can admit. To do something as permanent and public as declare to the world that his marriage wasn’t working felt like a slight. His family has made it perfectly clear over the years that he and Shannon weren’t a good match. But they’d still reinforced the idea that the “proper” thing to do was give it a fair shot regardless.

Eddie doesn’t like the person he has become over the last nine years. He feels more like a shell of his former self. He had never set out to marry Shannon. Before they even got together, he knew they weren’t meant to be in the end. He’s always known that his soulmate’s name started with E. That much was a certainty.

Nonetheless, it seemed like such a foolish thing to shut himself off from a beautiful girl who was interested in him when he was so far away from learning the full name of his soulmate. So, the two got close, they dated, they weren’t always careful, and before they both knew it, the course they were on changed forever with a positive test result.

Fatherhood hadn’t been something Eddie was ready for but he did his best to rise to the occasion. Sometimes he slipped up, opting to provide in ways that meant Shannon would have to bear the brunt of raising their son while he went to fight a war. It was noble, certainly, but it also granted him a way to evade the day-to-day life of parenting. It was a major point of contention between him and Shannon.

When he returned from his second tour, whatever semblance of a relationship they had was completely wrecked.

Shannon took time for herself, the two separating without telling anyone. It was during this time that two more letters appeared on Eddie’s wrist, spelling out the name Eva. Eddie had spent countless moments picturing the day he’d meet this woman. It seemed as if time away from Shannon and their relationship had been just the thing to trigger the rest of the name to show up.

Eddie didn’t know what to do with the information but it had been a source of comfort to look down and see that there was a different future for him down the line, if only he had the means to pursue it.

The thought of divorce felt shameful but this wasn’t the road either of them was supposed to travel on, that much they had known even before Eddie proposed to her. They had stalled fate. Told destiny to take a raincheck. Now they would be able to restart their soulmate clock and get it right this time around. His relationship with Shannon was extremely strenuous but he got a beautiful son out of it and for that, he would always be grateful.

Shannon brushes her bangs off her face, her hands coming to rest on her hips. She chews at her bottom lip and stares at Eddie. He can see that she’s about to break.

He crosses the room and holds her against his chest, stroking her hair. They are so far from the people they were back in high school. More often than not, Eddie can’t even see traces of their former selves. Life had changed drastically for them, forcing them to grow up fast. But Eddie often wonders if they would have stood a chance if there wasn’t the matter of soulmates hanging over their heads.

“This is the right thing to do, isn’t it?” Shannon asks faintly, her voice muffled against his flannel shirt.

Eddie nods. “I really think this is for the best.”

Shannon pulls back enough to peer into his eyes. “What about Chris?” she asks.

“We’ll tell him in the morning. The sooner the better, right?”

Shannon’s eyes flicker away to the left, looking at nothing in particular. Eddie instantly feels on edge. He knows that look. She’s about to say something he won’t like.

“What is it?” he prompts.

Shannon slips out of his embrace and Eddie’s hands fall limply to his side as he watches her pace around the length of the kitchen.

“It’s just…what I meant was, who gets Christopher?”

Eddie’s brows bunch together. “I figured we’d share custody. We could go over all of that with our lawyers.”

Shannon stops in her tracks and holds his gaze from across the room, her next set of words coming out slowly.

“I don’t think that’ll be necessary.” She licks her lips and wraps her arms around herself. “I think he should stay with you and I’ll…I’ll see him whenever I can. I just need time, Eddie. I can’t—I really need some time to figure things out. To figure myself out.”

“So, you’re just leaving both of us,” Eddie deadpans. Any sympathy or kinship he felt just before evaporates so suddenly it’s like it was never there at all.

“That’s not fair and you know it. You left to go halfway around the world when you could have stayed here with us. Don’t I get the option for time out, too?”

Eddie’s jaw clenches shut. It’s a fact he cannot deny but it still stings nonetheless to have it thrown back in his face right now. His time with the military is always so bittersweet when he reflects on it. He had been there and saved the lives of his comrades but back home, he had a wife and son who needed him in the trenches with them.

His eyes close as he pinches the bridge of his nose. He feels like he’s two seconds away from having the ground swallow him whole. He prays for it in fact. To just disappear or fade into nothing sounds appealing right now.

Eddie doesn’t even recognize his own voice as he speaks.

“Do whatever you need to do and I’ll do the same.”

He’ll light a match on it all and watch it burn if that’s what it takes to get his son’s life on track. This isn’t what he wants for Chris. He wants his child to know what it’s like to live inside of a happy home where there’s nothing but love and security surrounding him. If that isn’t what Eddie can grab on to with Shannon, Eddie’s at a point now where he’ll shoulder it all and go it alone.

Chris deserves the best and he’ll stop at nothing to make sure he gets that and then some.

Shannon stares at him for a moment through tear-filled eyes. Eddie isn’t even sure what his face must look like now. He’s reached his breaking point. He’s ready to wash his hands clean of this and put as much space between himself and the woman standing before him. Maybe even this town as a whole.

This is the end of line, there’s no questioning it now as Shannon nods her head once as if seeing this plainly like him. There’s nothing left to say so she’ll go her own way and Eddie will forge a path of his own.

* * *

Sometimes Buck used to wish that his soulmate’s name started with a X or Z, something that stands out greater than the letter E. It’s so commonplace; even his actual name starts with that letter. The more time that passes that Buck doesn’t see the rest of the name appear, he thinks that maybe his other half fell for someone else. He knows a few people who don’t put much score into the idea of soulmates and decide to take destiny into their own hands.

If his soulmate made that decision for them, there’s very little he can do about it. With each passing year he’d become mildly paranoid but over the last three years or so, he’s learned to deal with it a bit better. Maybe their wires got crossed? Perhaps his soulmate managed to find love elsewhere. Wherever they were, whoever they were with, all he could do was hope they were happy. He was a bit of a romantic and growing up, the idea of having a soulmate had been a comfort to him. During times when tensions rose with his parents, he’d wrap himself with the notion that things would inevitably get better and he’d find love of some kind.

Now that he’s come to grips with the fact that he may not have the kind of future he once thought, Buck has contented himself with meaningless, casual hookups. It’s been nine years since the letter first appeared against his ribcage. Nothing has changed since then so Buck has long since decided he shouldn’t expect a miracle. It’s evident his soulmate figured out a way to make it work with someone else, unless something tragic happened to them.

He just wishes he could at least remove the marking if it’s never going to fill in. It’s such a ridiculous reminder to have every day when it’s obvious his soulmate isn’t coming. They’re probably off living a happy life with someone of their own choosing, opting to take destiny into their own hands. Or maybe he was just being impatient and his time was coming soon?

The uncertainty was the worst part to all of this. So, to pass the time until things changed—if they ever would—Buck was more than okay with passing the time with whoever caught his eye.

He dated sparingly, never getting too invested just in case he or the person he was with found their other half. That was his rule of thumb and it’s served him well over the last few years. There was one time he’d broken his own rule and had gotten caught up with a woman he thought he’d defy destiny for.

Abby had come into his life when he’d least expected it and managed to carve out such a place in his heart that Buck had been ready to disregard the one rule he had. Countless nights he’d see the making of another person’s name on her skin but he overlooked it time and time again. His heart was choosing her even though the sign was right there as a constant reminder that he wasn’t meant for her in the long run. But he and Abby had something special, or so he’d allowed himself to believe. Buck thought up a hundred ways of breaching the conversation with her that maybe they should just stop looking and make something of what they had created for themselves.

But life, as it always does, had other plans. When Abby’s sick mother passed away, she took to going on a journey of self-discovery and Buck was more than accommodating and respectful of her wishes. He vowed to be right there waiting for her when she got back. But the months had ticked by and conversation became scarce. Buck had been stubborn and held out hope that they would be alright, that all Abby needed was time to get her head on straight again after suffering such a great loss. Whatever answers she was looking for, Buck wanted that for her. As it were, she found a bit more than herself while seeing the world. She met her soulmate, a man named Sam, she’d said in a letter. She wouldn’t be returning home to him.

With a broken heart, Buck promised himself not to make the same mistake twice and went back to his old ways of not getting too attached. It was easy enough to slip back into the lifestyle, safer he’d say. This way he could avoid being hurt again. He was already convinced his soulmate didn’t want him and the closest he’d come to finding love had slipped through his fingers.

No, Buck wasn’t going to set himself up for failure again. He would be wiser. He wouldn’t give his heart away, not until he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that forever was guaranteed. Not until his soulmate’s name worked its way onto his flesh, finally putting an end to the nine-year long mystery that’s evaded him.

* * *

Texas no longer feels like home. The streets of El Paso are filled to the brim with memories of things he’d rather forget. Shannon had taken to the idea of a divorce like a fish to water. She hadn’t wasted any time getting the paperwork in order and handling the logistics of it all. While Eddie was glad that the biggest cause of stress in his life was about to be reconciled, he couldn’t help but to mourn his marriage.

It hadn’t been a storybook union. He and Shannon were not slated to spend the rest of their lives together peacefully. But they had come together to make a child that Eddie loved more than anything in the world. They had put forth a solid effort and even though the bad outweighed the good, there were still enough bright spots that he could appreciate them for what they were worth.

As Eddie sits at the kitchen table in the house that he and Shannon tried to make a home, staring down at divorce papers that will effectively free them of their lives here, his heart is heavy. He picks up the pen and rolls it between his fingers, looking over the documents. There are tabs sticking out of the bound pages, marking various places where his signature is needed. It’s crazy to think how just a few quick strokes of a pen is all he has to do to separate himself from Shannon.

Eddie takes a sip of his beer, swishing the liquid around in his mouth before swallowing it down just like the reality he’s now found himself in. Eddie goes through each page, scribbling his signature and initials accordingly until the last piece of paper bears his name. This will be an uncontested divorce so his lawyer suspects it’ll all be finalized in just a few months.

The entirety of his relationship boils down to the stack of papers in front of him.

Eddie gets up and grabs another beer.

* * *

The last month and a half Buck has managed to keep himself plenty busy with work and casually seeing a woman named Ali. He met her on a call; he’d literally saved her life. It’s easy with her. Ali is just as indifferent towards the idea of dating as he is. She doesn’t mind not putting a label on them. This has been the most consistent Buck has been with one person since Abby but he learned a valuable lesson that time. Even though he and Ali click, he won’t allow himself to fall too hard. It’s tempting at times, he won’t deny it. She’s beautiful, smart, funny. She has a sharp wit that makes her all the more attractive but he won’t let himself get lost again.

As they lie in bed, Buck runs his fingers along the length of her spine as she tucks in against his side.

“Do you ever think you won’t find your other half?” he says aloud. He’s not even sure if she’s awake or not but he still poses the question nonetheless.

Ali shifts, propping up her head on one hand and looking at him. The room is dark but there’s enough moonlight pouring in for Buck to see her searching his face.

“I’m sure that I will when the time is right. Isn’t that the whole point of this thing?” she asks, gesturing to her hip bone where her marking still hasn’t come in fully. “We’re literally branded.”

Buck shrugs and sighs. “Yeah, but not everyone even believes it matters. What if the person you’re supposed to be with chooses someone else? What then? Do you just go the rest of your life always wondering what could’ve been?”

At this Ali sits up all the way and Buck follows suit, sitting back against the headboard. Her eyes drift to Buck’s rib cage, to that lone letter E still waiting for more letters to follow.

“You’re scared this person decided not to choose you.” It isn’t posed as a question.

Buck runs a hand through his hair and drops it into his lap.

“Maybe? It’s been nine years and nothing. Everyone else already has most their soulmate’s name or found them and all I’ve got is this.”

“There could be a ton of reasons for that, Buck. I think the fact that you care so much about whether or not it happens for you might be proof that it will. Maybe life just threw your other half some curveballs? But if they’re meant for you, they’re coming because that’s fated for you. Having to wait fucking sucks, I know,” she laughs. “But before you know it, things will change.”

Buck looks away and nods, replaying her words in his head. Patience has never really been his strong suit. He thinks perhaps the universe knows that and is taunting him on purpose out of spite.

“Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense,” he replies after a moment.

Ali smiles softly and shakes her head, gently patting his knee.

“Your soulmate is out there and whenever you two get around to finding each other, they won’t be ready for what’s about to hit them. But they’re coming, Buck. I honestly believe this is going to work out in the end for you.”

* * *

Los Angeles seems like the perfect place to Eddie for him and his son to lay down new roots. He doesn’t regret leaving Texas, not for one second. The fallout of his divorce was catastrophic as he knew it would be. His parents seemed to take his decision personally, as if they were the ones that were impacted directly by the tumultuous relationship. The tensions between him and his family reached such a fever pitch and Eddie had had enough. He was taking charge, experiencing a new lease on life and that meant cutting ties with everything that tampered with his road forward.

Since his divorce became finalized, he hadn’t seen or heard from Shannon but that was just as well. He shared the news of his move with her in a hand delivered note after she failed to answer any of his calls. He laid it all out for her, that he was taking Chris to start fresh in California. He’d have his grandmother and aunt to help. He’d spent months training to become a firefighter and he’d already gotten offers at two great stations. Things were looking up for him and Eddie was genuinely excited for the clean slate despite his nerves.

The most important thing he could have done for his son was to change his environment and for Eddie’s state of mind, he needed a drastic change, too. They’d outgrown their life in El Paso and for as daunting as it was—the prospect of beginning again— Eddie knew it was the healthiest option.

After all, he would have the support of his closest relatives, people who rallied behind him and showed him love without making him feel like he was failing at everything. Eddie was a strong guy but when it was all said and done, he was human too. He needed basic things like knowing he had people he could rely on who would help shoulder all the responsibilities and not put him down, who would congratulate his successes but not judge him for his failures.

He’s had a busy day so far, trying to get his affairs in order. He’s only been in Los Angeles for two days but he’s been enjoying it so far. The second he and Christopher rolled into the city, he felt at ease. This was the peace of mind he had been in dire need of over the last few years.

He spent the day running errands and trying to get used to the layout of the city. His energy is crashing fast, his mental tank running on empty. He spots a coffee shop and decides to pop inside for an afternoon pick me up. He knows he’ll regret it when he’s unable to crash tonight but that’s a problem he’ll have to deal with later.

Eddie reaches out a hand to open the shop’s door, mentally going through his checklist for the day. He’s been to the bank, he’s set up a meeting with what he hopes will be Chris’ future school. He still has to finish unpacking and, of course, pick out paint with Christopher so his son can decide what color he wants in his room.

Eddie checks the time on his watch as the door swings open. He bumps into a sturdy frame or perhaps it’s the other way around. By the time he looks up, the man is already facing the other way, a mumbled apology in his wake. Eddie shrugs the whole incident off, the encounter already forgotten by the time he joins the line of customers waiting to be served next.

He's unaware, completely in the dark to the fact that beneath the band on his left wrist, a final letter has just appeared.


	2. changing tides

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the response to chapter one seriously made my heart so happy. i can't thank you all enough for giving the story a chance. i hope you enjoy this next part as well. we're halfway there, folks! set to the song changing tides by the fray

_There's no doubt, the beauty that we see,  
Following the path, so much older than we  
Lovers built it with their hands, walked it with their feet  
Above the raging waters and the darkness underneath._

Buck tumbles backward against the bed, his eyes glued on Ali above him as she slips off her shirt and makes quick work of his as well. A curious expression takes over her features as she looks down at him.

“Edmundo,” she says, tracing her fingertips slowly along his rib cage. “Should I be offended you didn't tell me?” Her eyes are fixed on his torso before flashing to his face.

Buck takes a moment to try and understand what it is she’s saying but nothing about her words makes even an ounce of sense to him. His brows furrow in confusion.

“Wait, what?” He sits up, her hand sliding away.

“You’ve got the name printed on your skin. What do you mean what?” Ali asks teasingly.

Buck’s face falls, his heart sinking with it as he gently sets her aside and rises up from the bed hurriedly. Buck heads straight to the full-length mirror, seeing the name scrawled there backwards in the reflection.

There are seven letters there where they had only ever been one.

“No. No way,” he mutters to himself, trying and failing to reconcile with the image before him.

“You didn’t know?”

“It wasn’t there this morning,” he replies quietly, still staring in disbelief.

He definitely would have taken notice to a full name scribbled across his flesh when he showered and dressed for the day. That wasn’t the sort of thing that escaped a person’s notice, especially a guy who has spent the last nine years wondering if this would ever happen.

His throat is dry and his heart won’t stop racing. There’s a loud pounding in his ears that threatens to deafen him.

“So, you must’ve met him at some point today then.”

Buck scrolls through his memory of the day. He didn’t meet anyone new. He went about his day same as usual. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. He woke up. He went for a run. He ran errands. He stopped off for coffee—

But he did bump into someone when he was leaving, had he not? Buck had been so busy looking at his phone that he hadn’t even bothered to look up. All he could do was offer a half-hearted apology as he typed up his message to Ali, letting her know they were still on for tonight. Had he seriously blown right past the man he was supposedly fated to be with?

Buck finally tears his eyes away from his reflection to look back at Ali. She’s perched on the edge of the bed, eyeing him thoughtfully with one of her knees pulled up to her chest.

“We had a pretty good run,” she says, matter-of-factly. “We both knew this wasn’t going to last forever.”

That much was true. Buck had only had the letter E to go off of, but that was more than enough to rule Ali out as his soulmate. All the same, the full name of her fated partner hadn’t fully appeared either so the two were more than content with enjoying the downtime together.

Now that the compass within him has a true north, Buck can feel something shifting inside him already. This truly changed everything, putting it all into clearer focus now. There was no more doubting that he was actually destined to be with someone or that his true love had passed away or any of the other wild theories he’d wrapped himself in to help stave off the fear that this day would never come.

It was here now, the proof quite literally in black and white, that it was foretold he had another half, one that was walking the streets of L.A. right now and that he had crossed paths with. To know that he had narrowly missed his soulmate was a shock to the system but Buck had gone this long without having more than the first letter. Surely luck was finally on his side now and he would get the chance to actually meet this man— _Edmundo_ , as it were—face to face sooner rather than later. This was a huge amount of progress to make in one day. If he could make leaps and bounds that great in less than twenty-four hours, Buck was feeling optimistic about what the future had in store.

“Ali—,” he starts off but she simply waves him off, already slipping back on her shirt.

“Seriously, don’t sweat it. I’m really happy for you, Buck. This is a good thing. Now you finally know what you’re looking for.”

Buck can’t help but to agree with the sentiment. Had he not spoken to Ali about this the other night? While he enjoyed hooking up because he didn’t think he had a soulmate, each time he met someone with a name starting with E he would always hold his breath in anticipation, waiting for the rest of the letters to fill in along his flesh but it never happened. Now he has a name in mind, something tangible to use going forward that hadn’t been there in the years before.

Ali gets up from the bed and walks over to him, slipping her arms around his waist. This is goodbye, he knows it, but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept.

“Good luck,” she says softly against his lips, kissing him for the last time.

Even though he knew Ali wasn’t his future, he still sincerely enjoyed these present moments with her.

“You too. I really hope you find your person soon.” He means it from the bottom of his heart. Ali is a great girl and whoever she ends up with is going to be extremely lucky.

Ali offers him one last smile and a peck on his cheek before heading out. Buck just stays in place and watches as she makes her way down the steps. It isn’t until he hears the door close that he turns back to face the mirror and the truth branded onto his skin.

* * *

Eddie takes off his watch, blindly rubbing at his wrist. He glances down briefly and does a double take. Instead of three letters he sees four. An _N_ has now hitched itself to the end of his soulmate’s name—or at least what he had believed to be the name. All this time he had been convinced he was searching for a woman named Eva but there it was, clear as day that he had it all wrong. The universe wasn’t finished speaking to him yet; he was off base in his assumption on all accounts.

 _Evan_ , his left wrist reads in a hasty scrawl. Eddie traces his finger over the name, following the strokes of the four letters.

Eddie is stunned by this revelation for several reasons, namely that his soulmate is another man. Eddie has only admitted privately to himself that he’s attracted to other guys. He isn’t ashamed of it but he’s never really had the language or capacity to express that to anyone in his life. It was always easier, maybe even safer for him to get caught up in the idea that while Shannon wasn’t his true life partner, there was a woman out there who could be.

But now with this update to his soulmate marking, he’s forced to confront a truth about himself he hasn’t always been so keen on exploring. He reasons with himself now, however. There was no just cause to feel nervous. He is miles away from his unhappy life back in Texas. Los Angeles was meant to be a clean slate, a turning point in his life. It looks as if the city has every intention of living up to the expectations he had for it when making the decision to leave El Paso.

He doesn’t owe anyone any details about his life and, honestly, Eddie is more than tired of feeling like a guest in his own skin. It’s high time he settles into the person he was always meant to be. He owes _that_ to _himself_.

Eddie sits on the edge of his bed, still staring at the name and trying to pinpoint when he met this man. There was the teller at the bank, he thinks, but Eddie quickly rules that out, recalling that the guy’s name tag didn’t say Evan. He hadn’t had much interaction with anyone. The barista at the coffee shop was a young woman, as was the person he spoke to over the phone with at what he hoped would be Chris’ school. Eddie starts to feel panicked. If he didn’t speak directly to Evan then he must have just been really near to him.

Though he’s had his whole life to grapple with that fact, it only hits him now fully how messed up that is. There are billions of people on the planet. He’s in one of the most populated cities in the United States. His soulmate could be anywhere and somehow the man evaded him even though they were close enough to each other to warrant the full name to appear.

Is it possible he had truly seen the face of the person he was fated to be with and not known it? A naïve part of Eddie thought he would just know the second he met his other half. That the marking would tingle or he’d just catch their eye and it would fall into place from there. Perhaps that was just some dormant romanticism rearing its head. But he knew better than most that life wasn’t that easy and hardly ever went according to plan, especially if it was for something you desperately wanted. At least that’s how the story went for him in virtually every aspect.

He lets out a deep sigh and flops back onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling for so long he swears he can see new colors in the white paint. Eddie closes his eyes and sighs once again wondering if the universe will show him kindness or if he’ll have to wait another nine years to solve the mystery of who his soulmate is.

He takes comfort in having a first name. He can’t imagine anything else will follow after this. Now the next leg of the challenge begins: tracking down this man.

“Dad?” he hears Chris call from the door.

Eddie sits up quickly. He hadn’t even heard his son approach with how wrapped up he was in his musings.

“What’s up, kiddo?”

“Can we have a movie night tonight?” Chris asks, a hopeful smile on his face. Who in the world could say no to that?

“Of course, we can. I’ll order pizza and you pick the movie we watch. Sound good?”

“Sounds perfect!” Chris counters. Satisfied with the answer he’s gotten, he turns around and heads down the hall toward the living room.

Eddie remains seated upright, soon burying his head in his hands. There’s so much he still has to figure out. How to be a single father, how to raise his son in a new city where he himself is still getting used to everything. It feels as if he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders. His life is the very definition of busy, cartoonishly so. More often than not he doesn’t know which way is up but he’s trying; Lord knows he’s giving it everything he’s got.

Maybe now isn’t the time to go thinking about soulmates, now that he thinks of it. Just because the name appeared in its entirety doesn’t mean he has to do anything about it. After all, he reasons, there isn’t much he even can do. It’s not as if he can take out a billboard on Sunset Boulevard asking every man in the city named Evan to meet him in person. If he really is meant to find his other half, he’ll show up when he’s supposed to. Eddie has to believe that. Until then, Eddie won’t allow himself to open that door.

Renewed in his thinking, Eddie allows himself one more brief moment to come to terms with his decision before getting up from the bed. All he can do now is maintain control over the things in his life that are actual certainties. There’s a little boy a few feet away who needs his undivided attention and that is where his priorities will always remain. He can’t afford any distractions, not when there’s already so much at stake.

“You coming, Dad?” Christopher calls out. Eddie’s ready for action, swiping his phone from where it sits beside him on the mattress.

“I’m calling the shop right now,” he says back, already searching the number and pressing to call as he reaches the door to join Chris in the living room.

* * *

When Buck awakes the next day, his hand instantly reaches for the side of his ribs. He barely got any sleep last night with how wound up he was, fixating over the name that had worked its way onto his skin without him even knowing it. That was one of the hardest things for Buck to wrap his mind around. Something so monumental had taken place for him right under his nose and he’d been so ridiculously unaware.

He spent a great deal of his night thinking about Edmundo. He wondered what he looked like, what his hobbies were. He pictured him as being tall and dark haired. He imagined he was an adventurous guy who liked trying new things like him. If this was the person he was meant to be with, he figured they’d ought to have a few things in common.

In one day, he’s gone from not putting any real stock into wondering about the specifics of his soulmate to keeping a running tab on all the qualities he hopes the other man possesses.

 _Now you finally know what you’re looking for_ , Ali had said and it’s true. Buck had been directionless for years but yesterday’s update changed all that. He’s still unsure how or when he’ll get the chance to meet Edmundo again but he tries his hand at tempting fate, deciding to go back to the place where he believes this whole thing started.

He has a shift today so he can’t exactly hang around the coffee shop for a while like he wishes he could. All the same when he returns, he quickly realizes just how futile his approach is. He didn’t actually see the guy he bumped into. He can’t even safely guess at a description so truly any man inside the café could be the one. Moreover, the odds that Edmundo is even here right now are slim to none. It’s a brand new day and morning at that. Maybe his soulmate only comes here during the afternoon or maybe he just happened to be in the neighborhood yesterday and decided to drop by.

Variables. Far too many variables that make him uneasy.

Buck notes the time and sees that he has to go. As much as he’s caught up in his personal life, there are other lives he has to center his energy on today. He can’t afford to have his attention stolen away when people are counting on him. He decides to stick a pin in this for now as he exits the coffee shop with one last hopeful glance over his shoulder. Edmundo is out there; he can be assured of that, if nothing else. If luck isn’t on his side two days in a row, there’s still a stretch of time laid out before him for the miracle to take place.

* * *

Sometimes it felt like Eddie was the punchline to a joke the universe never grew tired of. His meeting at Chris’ school had gone well; the tour of the building exceeded his expectations. He’d been thorough online, combing through every page on the school’s site and reading up on what parents of students past and present had to say. With his luck he should have known a wrench would find its way into a situation that had, until this precise moment, been utterly perfect.

“All we need now is to speak with Christopher’s mother. After that interview, we should be seeing Christopher in our halls soon enough.”

Eddie blinks at the coordinator for a moment, running through her statement again.

“Is that going to be a problem?” she asks, picking up on his hesitation.

Eddie quickly shakes his head and clears his throat. He’s come this far. He’s not about to squander Chris’ chances of success because he’s caught off guard.

“No, not at all.” He isn’t sure how much truth there is to the statement but he’ll figure out a way to make this work. For Chris he’ll move mountains.

Eddie leaves the office and heads to the parking lot, his mind racing. It’s just one more hurdle for him to have to jump when he had felt confident there wouldn’t be any more obstacles in his path. He was dreading having to pick up the phone and call Shannon. He hoped the talk would go well but right now, he didn’t want to dwell on that. His next step was to get Chris and check in with his grandmother and make good on his promise to her.

Eddie heads straight to Abuela’s place to repair her kitchen sink. She’d spoken to him this morning about it when he dropped Christopher off and he’d given his word he’d take a look after his meeting. Her home isn’t too far from the school and he arrives about fifteen minutes later.

Before he gets out of the car, Eddie takes a moment to pull himself together. Though his thoughts are heavy, he doesn’t want his grandmother to see he’s stressing. He isn’t ready to talk about having to speak to and subsequently see Shannon so soon. He’d really convinced himself that he could have a bit of time before he’d have to see her face to face. But Chris’ education and comfort trumped his trepidation. He settled on the notion of calling Shannon when he got home later. He had no doubt the school probably reached out to her the second he left the office but still, he knew he had to relay the information as well.

Eddie quickly glances at himself in the rear-view mirror. His eyes look weary but he supposes his grandmother will just think it’s from getting settled in still. He nods once to himself and gets out, fishing his key to the house out of his pocket.

“Abuela?” he calls out once he’s let himself in and locks back the door.

“In here,” she shouts back from the kitchen. Eddie walks through the house, greeting her with a hug and kiss on the cheek. She has the toolbox already on the ground by the sink for him.

“Where’s Chris?” The inside of the house is oddly quiet. There aren’t any cartoon voices or beeping of electronics.

“He’s out in the yard. He felt like reading outside an hour ago. I certainly wasn’t going to stop him,” she muses.

“Naturally,” Eddie laughs. “Well, let’s have a look at this sink then, yeah?”

Eddie slips off his watch and sets it aside on the kitchen counter before kneeling to the ground and settling on his back under the sink. He gets to work, moving methodically and chatting with his grandmother as she recounts her day with Christopher. She, like literally everyone that knows him, is completely smitten. Not too long after, he’s done. Eddie sets the wrench aside and gets back on his feet. He reaches out to turn on the faucet when his grandmother hurries over, grabbing a hold of his wrist.

“Edmundo, what’s this?” she asks.

Eddie’s heart clenches the same way it does when one misses a step on a flight of stairs. He tries pulling back his hand but it’s too late; the damage is already done.

“It’s nothing worth talking about.” He doesn’t mean it to be rude or dismissive but if he can prevent this conversation from happening, he’ll steer the talk away from going there as fast as humanly possible.

The stern looks she gives him tells Eddie that he won’t be able to avoid it, however.

“You’ve met your soulmate? This…Evan,” she says, tilting her head and reading off the name.

Eddie is too distracted for a moment to answer her question. There doesn’t seem to be any shock to her that it’s a man’s name branded on his skin instead of a woman’s.

“I must have but I don’t know where he is or even who he is for that matter. It just filled in yesterday.”

Finally, his grandmother lets go of his hand and Eddie draws in a breath to steady himself. He grips the lip of the counter with both his hands, his shoulders hunched over. Through the window he can see Christopher in the backyard, laying out in the afternoon sun with his head buried in a book, so blissfully unaware of the turmoil his father has been feeling since he made the discovery.

“I thought—it said Eva for so long that this whole time I thought I was searching for a woman.” Saying the words out loud strikes Eddie differently than when the sentiment was just swirling around in his head.

“The heart wants what it wants,” Abuela says, as if it’s truly just that simple. Maybe it is but Eddie is still trying to piece it all together for himself.

“Well, it doesn’t matter what it wants. I need to focus on what my head is telling me.”

“Which is?” She sighs and shakes her head. “You can’t run from destiny, Eddie, no matter how much it scares you. One way or another, it’s going to catch up with you. It’s inevitable.”

Eddie wishes he didn’t find that statement as intimidating as he does but it terrifies him to his very core. Some people find comfort in knowing what the road ahead looks like. For a time, Eddie himself had clung to that too. When his fights with Shannon turned vicious and intense, he’d lie beside her in bed, facing the opposite way soothing his nerves with the idea that there was more for him out there. He’d feel guilty for it but there was no mistaking that he and Shannon brought out the worst in each other because they knew they weren’t meant for one another. They were trying to force something that didn’t come naturally and that was a method that was doomed from the start.

He’d picture Eva, her face always shrouded or constantly changing. Even without that certainty, the concept of her was enough of a beacon to guide him through the heaviest of storms.

Now that image he’s spent years fixating on has morphed into something he can’t even begin to guess at. It’s too much change all at once and Eddie can’t handle that kind of stress right now, he’s decided. He has more pressing concerns like continuing to get settled in Los Angeles. He’s got Christopher’s school situation almost secured and now he just needs to work on settling into the new job he’s lined up for himself.

“I’ve managed to avoid it for this long, haven’t I? It’s fine. I’m fine.”

She frowns and Eddie can’t bear the sight. He turns his focus back on his son, glad that he’s so far removed from all of this.

“I don’t think you are,” she says. “And I know you don’t truly believe that either.”

Eddie’s jaw clenches, his shoulders stiffening after being called out. Eddie knows she means well but it’s jarring to be seen so plainly.

He turns on the tap, letting the water run for a bit. He peers down under the sink to make sure pipe is holding up. Everything is just fine, as he knew it would be. There are at least some broken things he’s capable of fixing.

“I need to get Christopher home,” he says decidedly, glancing over his shoulder at her. He leans down and kisses her on the cheek. “Thank you for watching him. I really appreciate it.”

“Ed—,” she starts but Eddie doesn’t give her the chance to get any further as he heads for the back door and leaves.

He can’t afford to hear the rest of her statement. He can’t stand there being fed a lie that he deserves to be happy. He had fooled himself temporarily into thinking this update to his marking could be a good thing but his life was already hectic as it was. Adding in this new factor on top of everything else seemed more like a liability than an asset. And if there’s one thing Eddie doesn’t need in his life right now, it’s another complication.

* * *

Buck tries his luck at the coffee shop again though he knows better now this time than to have high expectations. He gets there a bit earlier to see if ten minutes will make much of a difference but he doesn’t hear anyone say the name Edmundo to their friends. None of the baristas call out that name either when drinks are ready to be served. Today pans out much like the last two days; frequenting the coffee shop has become part of his daily routine now.

Admitting defeat, Buck takes his coffee to go, finishing it on the car ride over to the station.

When he gets to work, he heads straight for the locker room, exchanging greetings with Chimney as he steps inside.

“Have you met the new guy yet?” Chimney asks, lacing up his work shoes on the bench as Buck chucks his coffee cup into the garbage bin by the door.

“There’s a new guy?”

Chimney switches feet and works on his laces again.

“Yeah, up from Texas. Apparently, he’s a lucky get. Bobby says another station wanted him but he picked us.”

Buck’s heart races a little faster. On any other day he wouldn’t have thought much about this. New recruits weren’t exactly uncommon but given the name he can practically feel tingling on his torso right this second, he can’t help but feel his curiosity pique.

He wants to ask flat out if the man’s name is Edmundo but that would raise questions he isn’t ready to answer yet. He’s about to ask just casually what the recruit’s name is but Chimney’s phone starts to buzz and he excuses himself to take the call.

Buck tries not to get discouraged but his heart still sinks regardless as he stuffs his belongings into his locker. His mind can’t help but to jump to the conclusion that this latest addition to the 118 is the man he’s spent the last three days trying to meet. It feels too coincidental that this guy would just show up out of the blue. That the station was _lucky_ to have him. There was a possibility for him to land at another station but he found his way to this one just three days after Buck’s soulmate’s name presented itself fully after nine whole years of waiting.

Steeling himself, Buck leaves out of the locker room and makes his way up the stairs to the loft where he can hear the early morning chatter of his coworkers and Hen’s warm laughter.

There’s a new face seated around the table, one that—admittedly—Buck is attracted to.

Bobby is the first to notice his arrival and he gestures for him to come closer to where he sits at the head of the table.

“Buck, this is Eddie. I was just filling him in on what he can expect for his first day and introducing him to everyone.”

Buck’s knees almost give right then and there.

 _Eddie_.

It’s a nickname that can apply to many different names: Edward, Eduardo, Edwin, Edgar. Hell, maybe his actual name was Eddie. But Buck holds out hope that it’s short for Edmundo. That the universe is putting his years’ long searching to an end.

“It’s nice to meet you,” he says a bit stiffly due to shock. He offers up a warm smile to make up for it and in return, Eddie flashes one back.

He’s got warm brown eyes that crinkle at the corners when he smiles. It’s such an open expression that Buck feels as if he knows him. Maybe it’s wishful thinking or maybe this is actually a sign. Either way, Buck knows that Eddie’s smile is something he can easily get addicted to.

“It’s nice to meet you, too,” Eddie says, extending his hand to Buck. “I’m really looking forward to us working together.”

 _Please let this be him_ , Buck thinks as he shakes Eddie's hand.

A small part of him feels like it’s falling already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how are we feeling about this?


	3. heavy in your arms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first and foremost, MAJOR thanks to nicole (@starlightbuck on tumblr) for your kickass notes. seriously, you helped me shape this chapter so much further than where it first started. and now it's a monster but hey, that's life. 
> 
> it's always worth saying thank you to you guys for taking the time to read this fic. i still can't believe you guys are. i'll hush now and let y'all get to it. enjoy!

_And is it worth the wait?  
All this killing time?  
Are you strong enough to stand  
Protecting both your heart and mine?_

Eddie expected to have an eventful first day at the 118 but he couldn’t have possibly imagined the night would end like this.

Bobby had told him this morning that each shift was like playing Russian roulette. Some calls were minor, scenarios that the team could get through quickly enough without anyone’s life hanging in the balance. But the flip side to that were high stakes moments where one bad decision could mean death.

Eddie was used to working under pressure. He was certain that nothing could be more daunting than trying to save someone’s life and maintain his own while in the middle of a war zone. By comparison, the streets of L.A. would be milder, easier to tame, he figured. So, to find himself now staring down at a 40 mike-mike is startling, bringing his mind back to his tours in Afghanistan. How crazy, he thinks, that he would leave the military behind only to be faced with the weaponry in his civilian life. It’s a lucky thing, Eddie supposes, that he’s here for this now. He has a particular skill set that can very well save this man’s life.

Bobby calls it in to the hospital as they wheel the gentleman across the lawn and get him loaded up into the back of the ambulance.

“We have a 65-year old male with large shrapnel in his right thigh. Femoral artery damage…”

It’s hard not to get caught up in the belief of destiny when this is the kind of call he responds to on his first day with the team.

The gentleman, Charlie, is essentially a ticking time bomb and as he speaks his fears of dying tonight aloud, Eddie is grateful to have Buck with him now. As he gets the drip set up, Buck is there to settle the older man down, assuring him that he’s going to survive the night. Buck glances to Eddie and in his eyes, he sees Buck’s confidence in him. Eddie isn’t expecting such faith from the man seeing as though they’ve only just met but it feels good, he won’t deny, to have someone believe in his capabilities.

More often than not Eddie feels as if he’s stumbling through his life just hoping for something to stick but situations like this are ones he tends to thrive in. The irony doesn’t escape him. Day-to-day life is a challenge. Matters of life and death bring out his sense of calm.

Eddie assesses the damage, quickly working through the best course of action. Charlie’s words slur and soon he’s under, giving Eddie and Buck the chance to work in absolute silence.

“Tell me what you need me to do,” is all Buck says as he settles in beside Eddie, looking to him expectantly.

Buck takes a backseat and follows Eddie’s instructions to the letter, clearly realizing that even though he’s been with the LAFD for however long, it’s Eddie’s experience as a military medic that can decide the fate of this man. It’s quite the test for them to have on their first day but Eddie is relieved to see they’re able to meet the challenge head on and work so well with one another.

Buck is good at reading the terrain and anticipating what he’ll need next, an invaluable skill to have in a partner, Eddie notes.

Eddie can feel Buck’s eyes boring a hole into him as he tries not to disturb the grenade too much. One false move and all three of them won’t make it. With clear knowledge and practiced hands, Eddie works carefully as he extracts the grenade from the man’s leg, with Buck continuing to keep pressure against area to prevent Charlie from bleeding out. Eddie has been through much worse, much more intense situations than this controlled environment but this scenario is still grave. He feels confident, however, in his element somehow and that clears his mind enough to successfully dislodge the grenade.

“Get that box open,” he says, though Buck is unsurprisingly already flipping open the lid beside him. They’re still not in the clear yet but the second he hears the contact of metal against metal, Eddie can’t help but to let out a shaky breath of relief.

Buck is beaming at him, a mix of wonder and disbelief on his sweaty face.

“I can’t believe you just did that,” Buck says.

“I can’t believe you’re still holding that thing and we’re still in here. Let’s go.”

Buck’s laugh is hearty and Eddie feels the timbre of it somewhere in the pit of his stomach, along with a strange tug of some kind. Eddie chalks it up to adrenaline and opens the door to the ambulance to make the hand off to the bomb squad.

“Hell of a first day, huh?” Buck notes as the ambulance pulls away, that playful smile on his lips again.

It’s growing on Eddie already, the way Buck acts as if the two are co-conspirators who share some kind of secret. It manages to draw him in and make him feel included in something even though this is all still so new. It’s been far too long since Eddie’s felt close to anyone, or even felt the inclination to let someone in. He’s used to keeping the world at an arm’s length but in just one day, Buck has managed to ease past those walls he’s been putting up. If he’s to keep to his objective for life in L.A., Eddie knows he has to do things differently this time around.

If that means forming a friendship with new his co-worker, he supposes it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to open himself up a bit more. The purpose of his move was to start over, to reinvent himself and grow. Eddie liked the idea of creating a new kind of family for himself. Judging by this trial by fire experience, Buck seems like the perfect starting point.

“Good work you two,” Bobby compliments as the pair take off the vests given to them by the bomb squad.

Eddie looks over at Buck and smiles. “He can have my back any day. I couldn’t have asked for a better a partner in there.”

It’s the honest truth. From their calls earlier, Eddie had gotten the distinct impression that Buck thrived off the high of rescuing people, of the danger in this profession. But when it came time to dial back and let someone take control of the wheel, he’d done so without question. They strike the perfect chord with each other and for Eddie, that bodes extremely well. Good chemistry was hard to come by but for them it’s organic. It feels like it’s been a lifetime since Eddie’s instinctively clicked with someone to this degree.

He supposes maybe this feeling is due largely in part to the fact that their kinship was just forged by fire. But if there were ever a measurement by which to set such a thing to, Eddie feels safe in saying this experience would bond them for a long time to come.

Buck smiles back at him, clapping a hand on his shoulder.

“Or, maybe, you could have mine,” he counters. He gives Eddie’s shoulder a light squeeze. “Welcome to the 118. We’re damn lucky to have you.”

But Eddie hears a different set of words behind the ones Buck has just uttered.

_Welcome to the family. This is where you belong._

* * *

As they hang around the loft between calls, Buck and Eddie settle around the table grabbing a quick bite. Eddie takes his phone out of his back pocket and sets it on the table. The screen comes to life and Buck’s eyes immediately take notice of Eddie’s lock screen. The image is of Eddie with a young boy, their cheeks pressed tightly together to fit into the frame. He doesn’t mean to be nosy but that’s a hard thing to miss.

Eddie notices, his expression soft as he looks at his phone.

“That’s Christopher,” he says. “My son.”

Buck sits up at this bit of information. Of all the things he’s been trying to imagine about Eddie, he hadn’t expected him to be a dad. Eddie unlocks his phone and pulls up a new photo and hands it to over to him.

Buck takes the phone, his smile almost as bright as Christopher’s in the photo. Chris has got a big grin on his face as he stands with the Ferris wheel at the pier in the background on a cloudless, sunny day.

“He’s ridiculously cute. How do you keep from spoiling him rotten?” Buck laughs, grinning at the photo for a beat longer before looking up at Eddie. “How old is he?”

“Just about nine actually. I can’t believe the years have been going by so quickly.”

Buck sucks in a breath. He’s been haunted by that precise length of time. It’s too coincidental not to mean what he thinks it does. Buck has been allowing himself to dive in slowly to the idea of claiming Eddie as his soulmate. Between the rush he felt when they first met to how natural they are with each other to this discovery that nine years ago Eddie had created a family supports his budding theory. This would explain perfectly why nine years ago he stopped getting updates to his marking.

It’s all matching up perfectly into place like a key in a lock. Buck just wonders what’s waiting on the other side of the door for him when he eventually pushes on it.

“Nine? That’s a fun age, right before the double digits kick in. Kids are such a blast,” Buck says, sitting back in his seat and handing Eddie back his phone.

“You like kids?”

“Oh, I love them. They’re way cooler than adults, that’s for sure. I like how they see the world, you know? They’re just taking it all in and learning about things for the first time. It’s awesome. Plus, they’re hilarious and rarely ever have a filter. You’ve got to respect that kind of honesty.”

Eddie smiles at him and Buck can’t help but to think his response passes some kind of test. Eddie looks satisfied with his answer, setting his phone back down and picking up his fork again, spearing a piece of fruit on the prongs.

“Judging by that picture I’m guessing he’s liking Cali a lot, huh?”

Eddie laughs. “You could say that again. He barely even mentions Texas. All he wants to do is explore the city. It’s been great for us, the move. I still have a few loose ends to tie up though.”

Buck raises a brow. He doesn’t want to push the matter too much but the statement intrigues him a bit.

“I’ve almost got his school situation figured out. I had a meeting a few days ago with the school coordinator but...,” he trails off, looking away. Buck isn’t sure he’s going to continue until he clears his throat and speaks. “They need to speak with Chris’ mom first. She has an interview with them tomorrow. If that goes smoothly, he should be enrolling with them.”

Buck shifts in his seat, his head erupting with questions about Chris’ mother. Whether they’re still together is the most pressing of them all. From Eddie’s tone and hesitancy, Buck can tell they aren’t on the best of terms. Eddie called her Chris’ mom, not his wife or partner. It’s a stretch but Buck is flexible enough to make it work.

“I haven’t seen her since the divorce but this is important. I really want Chris to get into this school. It’s perfect for him.”

Buck’s thoughts are split evenly in two, torn between the sheer relief in he feels in hearing Eddie isn’t married anymore and the concern he feels in seeing how worked up Eddie is over Christopher’s schooling.

“I’m sure her talk will go well. I know there’s a lot riding on this but she has to know that too and I’m sure she’ll crush the interview because of it.”

Eddie stares at him for a moment, his brown eyes meeting with his blue. Land and sea, Buck thinks, two components that make up a world.

“Thank you,” Eddie says simply but Buck feels the full weight of it.

“Anytime.”

* * *

Eddie’s fingertips drum an uneven beat against his knee as he waits for Shannon to show up. It’s ridiculous, he’s well aware, to feel this antsy over seeing a woman he’s known for almost half his life. But these last nine years, their relationship had risen and fallen like a heavy breath. Now that it was out of both their systems, Eddie isn’t sure how to function around her.

He keeps an eye out for her and rises awkwardly off the park bench as she approaches. He waves at her, trying to gauge what kind of mood she’s in from a distance. She’s got on a flowing yellow dress that makes her look like sunshine. Her smile is just as warm too.

Eddie relaxes at the sight of that and takes it as reassurance that this talk will go well. It’s strange seeing her now. She looks different to him and Eddie has to wonder if she sees changes in him too.

“How’d it go over at the school?” he asks as they both sit down.

Shannon sits back and stretches her legs out, letting them cross at the ankles.

“Pretty well. They seem excited to have Chris enroll. You picked out a great school for him.”

Eddie takes the compliment with a simple nod and a quiet word of thanks.

“How…how is he? Is Chris liking it out here?” she asks tentatively, dipping a toe into uncertain waters.

Eddie unclenches his jaw and nods. She’s making an effort and Eddie knows this can’t be easy for her, to be sidelined in her own child’s life. Even though she had made the decision to take time to find herself, Eddie can see that it’s taking its toll on her to be away from their son. He can extend a kindness, an olive branch of some kind by way of decent conversation.

“He loves it so much. I think he wants to live at the pier,” he muses. He’s taken Chris down a few times now just to watch the waves and enjoy the beautiful weather. “He’s doing really well here and honestly, it’s a relief,” he sighs.

When he’d told his family he was leaving, they’d gotten into his head a bit that uprooting Christopher from Texas could have a damaging impact on his son. But he knew better than they did about Chris’ resiliency and adaptability. Chris was the kind of person who could make himself comfortable anywhere. It was a trait Eddie prayed his son would never lose. He knew all too well what it felt like to struggle for a bit of semblance. Luckily, Chris didn’t seem to have that problem.

Shannon stays quiet and Eddie desperately wishes he could open up her mind and see the thoughts that live there. There’s an unnamed tension between them, an awkwardness that Eddie doesn’t know how to get around. He supposes, with their history, it makes sense but he wants better for them both.

He decides to switch gears. If they’re really going to have a clear road ahead, he needs to do whatever he can to show Shannon that they’re on solid ground now. It’s exhausting constantly being at odds with her. Now that they’re divorced and no longer confined to the box they’d shoved themselves into, they both have room to breathe and grow. Hadn’t that always been a wish he had for them? For the two to mend the bridge that had given way years ago? They are in a different place now and Eddie knows he has to adjust his outlook accordingly.

“I don’t want us to be angry or upset with each other anymore. I want us to…I don’t know, be better to one another than we have been in the past. I don’t think I can carry those feelings inside me anymore. It’s draining and I don’t have the energy for it. I never really did.”

This seems to be the right set of words because Shannon blinks back tears and smiles at him.

“I would love that.”

Eddie sighs in relief and this time the quiet that settles between them is comfortable.

“Can I ask you something kind of ridiculous and personal?” Shannon says, tucking one of her legs under her, fanning out her dress over her legs smoothly.

“Should I be afraid?”

She laughs and it feels good to be able to joke around with her again. These are tentative steps but it feels reassuring to think he could be on his way to getting his old friend back.

“Eh, it could go either way.” She pauses for a beat before continuing. “Have you met Eva yet? I’ve been thinking a lot about your move and imagining you finding her out here.”

Eddie thinks it says a lot about where their relationship left off that Shannon is so casual in discussing him with another woman, a soulmate at that. It’d been awkward for the both of them seeing the makings of names on each other that weren’t theirs. They’d never talked about it explicitly but Eddie figured it was just as strange for her to wrap her mind around as it had been for him during their nine years together.

“Actually, it’s Evan not Eva,” he drawls, trying to get used to the taste of the name on his tongue. His heart is racing with the confession. How much will this change the way she sees him?

Eddie doesn’t even look at her. He fumbles with his watch and takes it off, showing her the soulmate marking. They both stare in silence at his wrist. It had been a complete shock to his system when it appeared so he can’t blame her for being stunned over the news.

“Wow. Wow, that’s…I don’t have any other word,” she laughs.

Eddie turns to look at her then. She looks surprised, of course, but happy. Eddie’s brows furrow.

“Where’d you meet him?”

“I’m not sure exactly,” he says, flipping the inside of his wrist back over, pressing it against his thigh. “I’ve been trying to figure it out. I think he’s someone I bumped into outside of a coffee shop but I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since. I didn’t even see his face that day, actually.”

Shannon’s smile turns into a frown at this.

“Oh, Eddie. I’m sorry.” He can tell she really means it. “But at least you know he’s out there. Whenever you do find him, don’t let go.”

Eddie searches her face for a moment, looking into her eyes and for a fleeting moment his mind drifts to a different set of blue eyes, ones that he’s grown so accustomed to in the short time he’s been working at the 118. It’s a startling thought that seems to come from nowhere. Eddie does his best to cast it aside. Buck isn’t where his thoughts should be right now, despite the fact that the other man has been on his mind more and more as of late.

Shannon takes him in as well before she continues to speak.

“I know you, Eddie. I know you’re probably scared over the fact that this is actually happening for you. But please remember you deserve to be happy. Despite everything we’ve been through, or maybe because of it, all I want is for you to be able to let the right love in. Evan is your soulmate, whether you’re ready for it or not. When you meet for real, don’t run from it, please.”

It isn’t lost on Eddie that this is the second person in a little over a week to tell him not to be afraid of his destiny. The women in his life know him better than anyone else. There’s no hiding from his grandmother who always had a knack for understanding him since he was a child. And Shannon had cultivated a life with him. Eddie couldn’t avoid being known by either of them. He could hide and keep himself from the rest of the world but these two were in the rare category that could see through it all to the heart of him each and every time.

Eddie wipes at his eye and laughs nervously. “I don’t know if I’ll be good for him. I’m kind of still figuring things out these days.”

Shannon reaches out a hand and holds onto his, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

“That’s sort of the point of a soulmate though, isn’t it?” she says, peering at him, lifting a brow knowingly. “To love you unconditionally, no matter what kind of state you’re in?”

Eddie can’t refute this argument. He had always liked the idea of being able to turn to someone at the end of the day and speak openly about what he was feeling. He was able to do that with Shannon at times during their marriage, of course, but the tension between them made it hard for Eddie to cross the divide that lived with them sometimes. He imagined being with a soulmate would be the exact opposite, that even if they were upset with each other they’d still be a harbor for one another.

“I hate it when you’re right,” he jokes.

“You poor thing. Then you must be upset all the time,” she quips.

Eddie laughs, a real sense of elation he hasn’t had around her in some time solidifying in his chest. They still have a way to go but this first step was a crucial one and Eddie feels as if they’re finally moving in the right direction together.

* * *

Days like today have quickly become Buck’s least favorite. He knows he can’t expect to work every shift with Eddie but still, the times when they aren’t together begin to grate at him. He feels selfish for how badly he craves Eddie’s time and attention but he can’t help it. Soulmate or not, he’s genuinely been enjoying getting to know his new co-worker. The two have found an easy rhythm with each other since Eddie’s first day. Buck supposes nothing bonds two people together faster than saving the life of someone else.

With Eddie out for the day, Buck feels restless.

“Aww, is someone missing their new best friend?” Chimney teases as Buck flops back against the sofa in the loft. “Look at that pout, Hen. We can go diving off that lower lip.”

Buck tosses a cushion at him as Hen laughs at the two of them. Chimney lobs it back and jokingly flips him off, revealing his soulmate marking on his middle finger, the word _Mad_ branded there. He thinks it’s the height of comedy. Buck has to agree it is pretty hilarious.

Hen nestles in beside him and pats the top of his head.

“Come on now. Buck up, Buck,” she muses. Chimney reaches over to give her a high five and Buck rolls his eyes playfully.

“A couple of comedians here.” He rises from his seat, ignoring their outcry for him to come back. They get over it quickly, starting up a new conversation by the time Buck makes it to the dining table.

They’re absolutely correct and Buck can’t even pretend to deny that. He’s gotten so accustomed to having Eddie around that a day without him just doesn’t feel right. He feels…unmoored somehow and Buck wishes he could have a definitive explanation for why that is. He has his theory, of course, but a proven hypothesis is what he longs for most of all.

The thought of asking Eddie outright what his first name is terrifies him. He doesn’t trust himself to have a neutral reaction if he were to hear it directly from Eddie’s lips. What he needs is a filter, a buffer of some kind to absorb his shock should his suspicion pan out to be correct.

Bobby is in the kitchen getting started on dinner.

“Hey, Cap,” Buck calls over as he goes into the fridge to grab a bottle of water. “What’s Eddie short for?”

As he closes the door to the refrigerator and looks to Bobby, the man has stopped chopping peppers and is standing still, looking at him.

“Why do you ask?”

Buck busies himself with twisting off the bottle cap but he can still feel Bobby’s eyes fixed on him.

“No reason; I was just wondering. I mean, I know I could ask him,” he says, hoping his tone is nonchalant. “But you’re here right now so…I figured you could answer just the same since you’ve seen all his paperwork and stuff.”

Bobby holds his gaze for a beat before returning to prep the meal and Buck is glad for it. Sometimes his captain just seemed to fix him with a stare that went right through him. There were so many things he didn’t want anyone else to see and Buck always had the feeling Bobby was skilled in noticing private things, even if he didn’t voice his findings out loud.

“His first name is Edmundo but, as you know, he prefers going by Eddie.”

Buck pretends not to notice Bobby’s eyes flickering up to him again. He just takes a sip of his water and nods.

“Cool,” he says, trying to keep his tone indifferent but inside Buck feels as if he can just about burst at any second. He isn’t sure which is racing faster, his heart or his thoughts.

Buck still can’t shake the feeling that he’s showed his hand in a way he can’t bounce back from but he couldn’t stop himself from asking the question. It’d been gnawing at him having this question mark dangling over his head. At least he could finally put that mystery to rest officially. If the cost of that information was making Bobby suspicious, it was a price he was willing to pay. Any bit of information that could bring him one step closer to certainty would be worth it, ten times over in fact.

But for the sake of not drawing Bobby’s eye too closely to the situation, Buck does his best to change Bobby’s train of thought, whatever track it may be on.

He reaches over the island and snags a piece of meat off one of the cutting boards. As he expects, the move is enough to shift Bobby’s focus. His captain swats at his hand and points his finger at him.

“What are you, a dog swiping scraps off the table?” Bobby jokingly reprimands, shaking his head. “You know, you really shouldn’t tick off the guy with a knife in his hand.”

Buck grins and wiggles his brows as he tosses the food into his mouth and walks away, successfully dodging a bullet and distracting Bobby from getting close to whatever conclusion he seemed to be gearing up towards.

It isn’t until he’s heading down the stairs, past Hen and Chim, and is safely on his own that his thoughts begin to spiral in earnest. His hands shake as he holds on to the railing to keep from losing his balance. He’s coming undone at the seams. This confirmation is too much for him and the worst part of all is that he has no one to talk to about it now.

Buck keeps moving forward, his legs working on their own accord to take him outside of the station. His body knows that what he needs is time to himself to process this information. Breathless, he presses his back against the side of the building, the surface hot but he doesn’t care. He needs the support of the brick wall to keep him standing. The question of who his soulmate was had plagued him for almost a decade and now that he has an answer, Buck isn’t even sure what to do with it.

He knew he felt drawn to Eddie, literally from the moment they met. He had sensed it. Buck was a personable guy; he got along well with virtually everyone but that instantaneous connection to Eddie felt different to him. Buck had wondered if he was just so keyed up on the idea that Eddie was meant for him, as if he had on rose colored glasses but the truth was, he had been seeing the situation for what it was exactly. That spark was a flare, an internal signal alerting him to the fact that something big was happening here.

Buck presses his fingertips against his ribs, the move so instinctual since the name first appeared. It’s like air to him now. He may not be able to see it but he knows it’s there. More often than not, it feels like the only thing sustaining him. Discovering that Eddie is in fact Edmundo is similar to learning the meaning of a word that you’ve come across often but never looked up. You’re aware of its existence but it’s abstract until knowledge is gained.

Buck’s eyes sting and he feels as if he could just scream. For as much as he hated the fact that Eddie has the day off, he’s glad to be away from him in this moment. He’s in no fit state to be around him now. He wouldn’t trust himself to keep from shouting the truth that’s desperately trying to claw its way free, demanding to be heard.

* * *

The station’s alarm blares, drowning out the sound of the simulation game Hen and Buck are playing. They drop their controllers and hop to their feet, ready to gear up.

“Hen and Chim, I need you two to ride over in the ambulance. Eddie and Buck, you’re with me. Let’s go, guys,” Bobby instructs.

The team doesn’t hesitate to fall into line with Bobby’s orders. Buck grabs his helmet and hurries to the rig, swinging open the door and climbing inside, Eddie right on his heels. Bobby has the truck pulling out of the station just a few seconds later.

As always when they’re sent out on a call, Buck’s adrenaline races wildly. He’s already trying to imagine what scenario they’ll find themselves in, coming up with tactics he could use to help those in need before even arriving at the scene. If he can be prepared in any way, even by way of a hypothetical simulation in his head, Buck will be grateful for it. Sometimes seconds is all it takes between making sure someone can return home to their families that day or them never seeing their loved ones again.

As Bobby cuts through the streets, his hand heavy against the horn at times, Eddie looks at his phone screen and purses his lips. Buck knows he shouldn’t pry but he can’t stop himself from speaking up, seeing how distressed Eddie’s expression is.

“Everything alright?” he asks over the headset.

Eddie glances up at him as if weighing what to say before he sighs.

“Not really. My aunt is saying she isn’t sure she can watch Chris next week like she thought she’d be able to. I need to find someone in case it turns out she can’t. I haven’t been meeting too many people out here and either way, I’d hate to have to ask that favor.”

Buck thinks for a second. “I know a woman who could help,” he offers up.

“Are you trying to play matchmaker?” Eddie jokes.

Buck resists the urge to grimace at this. Like he would ever deign to pair Eddie up with someone else, as if the man’s name hadn’t been branded on his skin for days now. Eddie was his, even if the other man was none the wiser. Buck wouldn’t compromise that for anything.

Regardless, that wasn’t even remotely close to where Buck was going with this conversation so he dismisses Eddie inquiry with a laugh and roll of the eyes.

“Not in the way you’re clearly thinking right now. Her name is Carla Price and she is possibly the most badass caregiver in the whole city.”

He skips over the details of how it is he came to know Carla. Abby hasn’t crossed his mind in ages and he’d rather not get hung up with her in the back of his thoughts.

“Wait, seriously? Do you think she’d be willing to meet with me?”

Buck nods and fishes his phone out of the inside of his jacket. He sends a quick text to Carla and she responds less than a minute later.

“She’s up for it. If you’re free tonight, she says she’s available to chat.”

The smile that washes over Eddie’s face makes Buck’s brain short circuit for a second. All he ever wants to do is keep Eddie in good spirits, to ensure his peace of mind however possible.

“Buck, I owe you. Whatever you want, it’s yours. Just say the word.”

Buck falters for the briefest of seconds before smiling to cover it.

“It’s nothing. I’m just glad I could help you out somehow.” His voice sounds different in his own ears but Eddie might be too distracted and overjoyed with the good news to notice it.

Buck bites back on the inside of his lower lip and glances away, unable to look at Eddie right now. He’s certain the truth of what he wants is written plainly on his face. He’s sick with want, filled to the brim with longing. It’s a wonder Eddie can’t hear the call Buck’s soul makes to his regularly.

He looks out through the small window in the back of the truck to see how close they are to the scene and to look at anything but Eddie. What he finds is that Bobby’s peering at him through the rear-view mirror before turning his focus back on the road. Buck can feel his cheeks flushing and is glad for the hot day to be the perfect cover for the sudden change in hue.

He wishes the comms had a private channel he could speak on. Bobby was too good at reading between the lines.

* * *

It’s the end of their workday and the team hangs about the station around their engine, recounting the day they’ve had. Hen is adjusting her shirt, her wife Karen’s name visible on her collarbone. Eddie wonders what it would be like to be that confident in showing his soulmate marking off. In theory he could do so at work but for nine years, Eddie has gotten into the habit of hiding it.

At first it had been to avoid throwing the reminder in Shannon’s face every single day. Now it’s just become second nature. If he’s being completely honest, there’s also a small part of him that isn’t ready to make that bold of a statement. He’s comfortable in his sexuality and clearly the 118 isn’t close-minded but he isn’t even sure what label suits him best. His soulmate marking calls into question a lot of things he’s suppressed over the years. Being in L.A. as a whole is dredging up those dormant feelings.

He’s had fleeting attractions to guys every now and then but these days he finds himself focusing on one guy in particular even though he knows he has no business feeling anything towards Buck. He’s his co-worker and nothing more. He can’t be anything else to him. Eddie’s already disregarded his soulmate marking once before. He can’t bear to go down that road a second time.

Sometimes, he’d try discreetly to see if by some strange miracle his name is on Buck’s body but to no avail. He’s constantly torn between thinking Buck is skilled at hiding it like he is with his own marking or that the truth is staring him in the face and they aren’t meant for each other. The latter is a terrifying thought, especially since Eddie has been quietly taking a real liking to the man already but it’s just as well. Eddie’s never been lucky in love. Why should that change now?

“You good, Eddie?” Hen asks, pulling him from his thoughts.

Eddie looks around at the group, their faces all expectant. He clears his throat.

“Yeah, just daydreaming, I guess.”

She regards him thoughtfully and her kind, concerned gaze is like a serum that manages to pull more words out of him.

“I just noticed your marking,” he says, pointing to his own collarbone. Hen breaks into a wide smile and places a hand over where her wife’s name is printed on her skin.

Eddie wishes he could have that sense of ease. The matter of soulmates has always been such a sensitive topic for him, a source of stress.

Hen must see something in his face because her head tilts a bit to the side.

“Have you gotten yours?” she asks.

Eddie glances around at the group. These people are supposed to be his family after all. He can trust them and speak as freely as he’s comfortable with.

“Yeah, but I don’t think it makes much of a difference either way.”

Buck looks affronted as Chimney and Hen share a glance.

“Why do you say that?” Chim asks, leaning a shoulder against the side of the truck.

Eddie shrugs, struggling with the right words as he always seems to do any time he talks about something so personal.

“It feels a little too good to be true when you stop to consider it. Maybe for some folks it works out perfectly, like for you and Karen. But, I’m not so sure that’ll be the case for me. My soulmate and I have already gotten off on the wrong foot, I think. It’s…complicated,” he settles on saying.

“Like a Facebook status?” Chim interjects.

Hen presses her fingertips to her forehead, dropping her head down. “You’ll have to excuse him. His foot has a habit of landing in his mouth. There’s no cure for it, unfortunately.”

Eddie laughs and shakes his head. “I’m just not in a rush to find them right now is all. If it happens, great. If not, it’ll be alright too. I guess I’m good with just playing it by ear, you know? Whatever happens, happens.”

That’s the mantra he’s been adapting for himself now. Evan has been elusive since the man’s name first appeared on his flesh. Every day he’s had to look down and see it plastered on his skin but still he is nowhere near closer to finding him than he’d been on day one.

Chimney shrugs and nods in understanding. “I get that, too. I mean, they’re our soulmates, right? They’ll turn up. I’m just happy to know it’s going to happen,” he laughs, looking at the budding marking on his finger.

Buck rises from off the back bumper of the truck suddenly, making everyone in the cluster look over at him.

“I really gotta get going, sorry, guys,” he mumbles, saying something else Eddie doesn’t catch.

Eddie frowns, unsure of what to make of Buck’s changing mood and apparent hurry to get home. Hen and Chimney look just as confused too as Buck hooks his duffle bag onto his shoulder and starts to walk straight ahead.

“See you tomorrow?” Eddie calls after him but he doesn’t think Buck hears him for the man does not reply.


	4. feels like this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> set to the song "feels like this" by maisie peters, a song i implore you all to listen to if you don't know it! oh man, this chapter really got away from me and is quite long, i apologize. i hope you'll enjoy this final chapter! thank you!
> 
> fair warning, i am clearly not a first responder so lol at my attempt to write out an emergency scene. sorry for any inaccuracies there.

_When you look at me, like I’m all you want_ _  
__I got everything at my fingertips_ _  
__How can I resist_ _  
__When it feels like this?_

Taking the day off feels like both a victory and defeat for Buck but the thought of going into work on the heels of Eddie’s remarks seemed insufferable. He wasn’t convinced he’d be able to keep himself from having his sour mood bleed into his work. It hadn’t been a lie, per se, when he told Bobby he wasn’t feeling well. He was out of sorts and that wasn’t a state he should be in given his profession. 

He spent the night avoiding his phone, admittedly moping but Buck felt he was entitled to, all things considered.

Despite now having the day to himself, Buck still goes about his morning routine same as always. After he’s showered and half dressed, he hears a knock on the door. Buck freezes for a moment, checking the time. It’s just after eight-thirty; he’s not expecting anyone at this hour. He heads over to the door regardless and looks through the peephole. He should have known. He opens the door up to his big sister, ready to get on her case for showing up unannounced this early but any snappy remarks he can make are instantly squashed by her reaction to him.

“Oh, my god,” she says, pointing at him.

Buck rolls his eyes. “A bit dramatic don’t you think? I just got out of the shower. Sue me for not getting a chance to put a shirt on.”

She scoffs. “No, not that. This!” She points at his ribs with more emphasis and whacks his arm.

He opts to sidestep her scolding for just a moment. He’s her younger brother, after all; he can’t help the instinct to get under her skin a little.

“You know, usually when people come over to a person’s house, they don’t hit them. In most societies, it’s actually customary to give a greeting of hello. Go on. Give it a try. I’ll wait.”

She glares at him in that way only big sisters know how as she pushes past him to let herself into his apartment.

“That was for not telling me that your soulmate marking came in. When did that happen?”

Buck scrunches up his face, rubbing the back of his neck as he follows after Maddie who heads for the kitchen. He takes a seat on one of the bar stools at the kitchen counter as Maddie opens the fridge and takes out a yogurt for herself. She knows her way around his apartment so well, blindly going into the drawer and grabbing a spoon.

“Well? Out with it,” she urges. “How did you two meet? Where were you guys?”

“Funny thing is, we met twice apparently.” Buck recounts the run-in at the coffee shop that afternoon when he’d been on his phone texting Ali.

“I kept going back there for three days hoping he’d, I don’t know, just walk up to me and introduce himself or something. When I went in to work on that third morning, Chim mentioned a new guy and when I went up to meet him, Bobby introduced me to Eddie. I had to be sure of his full name, you know? Just to be safe. So I decided to ask Bobby and he said, yeah, Eddie’s full name is Edmundo.”

“Oh, he’s your co-worker? How scandalous,” she teases, wiggling her brows as she spoons more yogurt into her mouth. Her teasing tone fades when she looks at him. Buck tries to offer up a smile but he can feel it fall flat.

“Buck, what is it? What’s wrong?”

Maddie walks around the counter and pulls up a seat next to him, placing a hand over his to encourage him to speak.

“I don’t think he’s interested in seeing anyone right now. In fact, I know he isn’t.”

It had been tough to sit there and hear the man say he wasn’t in a rush to find his other half. More than anything Buck wanted to share his findings with Eddie. None of this was happening as he had once imagined it would. He figured his soulmate would be thrilled to see his name appear but it seemed like a deterrent for Eddie. Maybe Eddie had a point; they really had gotten off on the wrong foot.

“What makes you so sure?”

Buck laughs humorlessly. “Because I heard him say it, Mads. He said he isn’t in a rush to find his soulmate. To find me.”

That comment has been playing in his mind since Eddie uttered the words and Buck has felt uneasy ever since. He’s grown so tired of feeling like he isn’t what people want, of not being the first choice of the people he prioritizes above all others. He’s sick of begging to be loved.

“Wait, hang on,” Maddie interjects, holding up her hand. “He does know _you’re_ his soulmate though, right? Like, the two of you have discussed this, even a little bit?”

Buck looks away and shakes his head. “He doesn’t have a clue as far as I can tell. I’m pretty sure he has no idea what my first name actually is.”

Maddie smacks her hand against her forehead. “Jesus, Buck,” she groans. “Are you seriously telling me you haven’t shared that very valuable piece of information with the guy you’re fated to be with?”

When it’s said so plainly like that, Buck does feel a bit ridiculous but also, admittedly, it’s been nice having some anonymity. It’s allowed him to gauge and study Eddie’s thoughts on soulmates and dating from a safe distance. What he’s found makes him cautious. Yes, he and Eddie are in fact preordained but if a relationship wasn’t something Eddie desired, Buck couldn’t force that nor would he want to. He wasn’t going to chase after anyone anymore. How many times could he be expected to do so?

After being hurt by Abby, Buck wanted to be absolutely sure before he gave his heart away to someone who could possibly mishandle it. He’d been able to bounce back from his relationship with her but this matter with Eddie was different. This was destiny, something so much bigger than himself. He wasn’t so sure he’d be able to survive a rejection from the one person who’s supposed to be a guarantee for him. That’s a kind of hurt he knows he’d never be able to recover from.

“I’m not ready for him to know and he’s not ready to find out so, no, I haven’t told him yet.”

Maddie sighs and runs a hand through her long brown hair, frowning over at him.

“Buck, you should at least tell him.”

“Why?”

“Because this isn’t only your decision to make. He has a right to know.”

Buck laughs dryly and shakes his head. “I was kept waiting for nine years, Mads. And I get it now, why it took so long and I’m not upset by that. But he can wait a little while longer. Just until…I don’t know. Until I know it’s safe to tell him.”

Maddie’s lips form a straight line, her expression skeptical. Buck knows she doesn’t agree but this is his call. Buck needs to safeguard his heart. It’s been through enough as it is.

“Well, all I can say is don’t wait too long. It’d be a shame to get this far and still manage to lose time together. Now you finally know who he is after waiting all these years to learn so much as his name. It’s obvious you care about him a lot already.”

Buck frowns. “He’s my best friend.”

Maddie rests her head on his arm, still holding his hand. “I just want my big little brother to be happy,” she muses.

It’s enough to make Buck smile for the first time since yesterday and he’s grateful for it. He’s been falling down a rabbit hole of thoughts, each one darker and less comforting than the one before.

“Tell me about him.” Maddie shifts, tilting her head up to look up at Buck. Her brown eyes are warm and they make him think of someone else he adores with a similar hue. He sighs.

“He’s perfect, Maddie. Absolutely perfect.” There was never a doubt he would be anything but considering they were fated but still, Buck manages to be surprised over just how much he’s left in awe of Eddie.

“He’s kind of reserved at times but he still knows how to have fun. He’s smart and passionate and dedicated and I...god. I’m so crazy about him already. I liked him the second I saw him.” It’s a bit absurd but inevitable, Buck figures.

Maddie’s smile is wide, her eyes practically twinkling after hearing him gush about Eddie. Buck groans and hides his face in his free hand.

“Does it sound as ridiculous as I think it does?” he asks.

She shakes her head and laughs softly. “Not at all. You’re falling in love with your soulmate, Buck. That’s something you should be celebrating not running from.”

* * *

Eddie missed Buck down at the station today. He’d felt his heart sink a bit in his chest when Bobby announced to the team in the morning that Buck had called in sick. Eddie sent Buck a text asking if he was alright and if there was anything that he could maybe bring by his place to make him feel better. But Buck sent back a short response saying there was no need, that his sister was with him.

Eddie was half tempted to just show up at Buck’s place but he wouldn’t have been able to take it if Buck ignored him then, too. He supposed it was just as well. The most important thing was that Buck was being taken care of. Ideally, he would have loved the chance to see him, to be the one comforting him but he wouldn’t encroach on Buck’s quality time with Maddie.

All the same, something felt off between him and Buck but for the life of him, Eddie couldn’t put his finger on what it was exactly.

Eddie gets home and he can hear Carla and Chris in the living room laughing together. She’s been an absolute godsend and Eddie still cannot believe his luck in having her here on weekdays to help out. Buck is always amazing but putting him in touch with Carla makes him a superhero in his eyes.

“Dad!” Chris greets as Eddie comes into the room to join them, waving to Carla. He tosses his bag down and gives Chris a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“How was your day? Anything exciting happen at school?”

Chris launches into a detailed anecdote about how lunch went with one of his new friends, the kid laughing hard enough to make juice come out of their nose. Carla cracks up though with how excited Chris is about sharing this story, Eddie has a feeling it was the first thing he told her about her when she picked him up.

Eddie spends time with the two of them until Chris announces he wants to work on his homework in his room. Eddie carries over his son’s backpack and picks up his own work bag as well, dropping it off in his room and getting Chris settled. He heads back to the living room to join Carla again.

She’s already straightening up but Eddie waves her off.

“Please, you’ve done so much already,” he insists, gesturing for her to take a seat and relax. “Seriously, Carla. I hope you realize how much I appreciate everything you do. I can’t thank you enough.”

Carla pats his knee as he sits beside her. “It’s no trouble at all. Christopher is the sweetest kid I’ve ever met. When Buck said his friend could use some help, I came running.”

Eddie laughs. “I’m grateful you did. I don’t know what I would be doing right now if I didn’t have you now. Buck really helped pull off a miracle here.”

“He’s the best, that’s why.” Eddie can’t argue with that. “If I weren’t married and, you know, five years younger, Buckaroo and I could be together,” she jokes. “He’s such a good guy. What a beautiful heart. Oh, he was so devastated when things didn’t work out with Abby. I’m just happy we were able to stay in touch. It would have been a huge loss not to see him still.”

Eddie shifts against his seat and eyes her curiously. He’s never heard Buck mention the name before. He’s having a hard time understanding what Carla means.

“Who is Abby?” he asks.

The look of embarrassment and shock is quick on Carla’s face. She puts a hand over her mouth and shakes her head.

“I’m sorry. I thought Buck…I really shouldn’t say,” Carla falters, pursing her lips.

Now more than ever Eddie wants to find out what she’s talking about. Clearly this Abby woman is someone Buck must have dated, that much he can discern. But hearing that Buck had been devastated, he wishes to know the specifics. How was he hurt by her? Why wouldn’t it have worked out? As far as he can see, Buck is a good catch. An incredible one, actually. He’s handsome, smart, great with kids, and just overall a terrific guy. Anyone that had the opportunity to be with him would be crazy to pass it up unless…

“They weren’t soulmates,” Eddie concludes.

Carla’s downcast look says it all and now Eddie starts filling in the blanks from the information Carla unintentionally shared. So, Buck had fallen in love with someone who went on to find her true other half. Eddie felt horrible for him. He himself has had a sordid dynamic where soulmates were concerned. The whole matter, from whichever side of the aisle one was to look at things, was tricky.

Carla sighs and shrugs her shoulders lightly.

“I just hope he finds his soulmate soon. That boy has so much love to give and he more than deserves to get it back from someone. Poor baby breaks his own heart and calls it kindness. It’s just not right.”

Eddie knew a thing or two about that. He’d kept up the charade of his marriage with Shannon for almost a decade just to keep other people happy even though it was killing him each day. He and Shannon had both sacrificed their destinies for so long in order to placate their families. Eddie had told himself it was a noble thing to do but all it wound up doing was cause harm. He knew something of what it was like to be in a tough position like Buck’s.

He hoped his friend would find real, genuine love. Buck was his best friend in California. Maybe even the greatest friend he’s ever had. If there was anything Buck’s heart desired, Eddie felt he should have it. The small voice in the back of his head couldn’t stop itself from wishing he could be what Buck wanted but it was such a ridiculous thought. Despite what Eddie’s heart had begun to crave since his first day at work, he had to actively remind himself Buck wasn’t his destiny. The only partnership they were meant to have was professional.

“Has he gotten his marking yet?” Eddie ventures.

Carla shakes her head. “No, not as far as I know.”

Her comment is like hot lead, a bullet that pierces through any bit of hidden hope Eddie might have secretly harbored.

“It’s really a shame,” she says but Eddie can’t offer a reply. His thoughts are a tangled net, trapping any words he could possibly utter. What exactly could he say in response to that anyway? A door was being shut and boarded up before him. Nothing was getting out.

Carla lets loose a sigh. “Anyway, sorry for that,” she chuckles, trying to ease the palpable tension this line of conversation brought on. “His teacher sent some papers she wants you to take a look at.”

Eddie blinks twice, pulling himself back to the conversation at hand. 

This isn’t any of his business. It’s not his place to wonder after Buck’s past. They’re just friends. Just co-workers. Nothing more.

* * *

All day Buck has been feeling as if he’s always a step behind or ahead of Eddie. The easy groove they’ve mastered since their first shift is thrown off and Buck knows he’s the reason why. He can tell Eddie senses it too, even if he doubts the other man knows what’s causing it. Buck just can’t shake the conversation at the station despite his best efforts. He’s felt clumsy around Eddie. Normally they moved with such precision, a choreographed dance as they traded supplies or came up with ideas on how to help those in need. But today he was constantly getting in the way or too slow in being an extra set of hands for Eddie. They were still able to save people in danger but Buck walked away from every scene knowing that he could have done better.

He hates how it feels not to be connected in the same manner he’s become reliant on. It’s all in his mind, he knows. Eddie is the closest person to him. It’s always been natural and easy between them but Buck is getting in his own way now, acting as a roadblock. Buck tries to get out of his own head, knowing that he’s making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be and now it’s impacting his work which is the last thing he wanted. 

The 118 is dispatched to a two alarm fire at an apartment complex. This is undoubtedly the most pressing call they’ve been to today. The truck’s siren wails like a petulant child as they speed through the city streets. As they draw nearer to the site there’s no mistaking the thick clouds of smoke coming off the building. It’s mayhem on the scene with residents hurrying across the lawn, fleeing from their homes, families huddled closely together. Another station is already here doing their best to fight the flames. Buck looks to the team, their expressions resolute. 

Bobby brings the truck to a stop in front of the building, the team quickly jumping out and awaiting orders as Bobby heads over to speak with the other station’s captain. They learn that the building has been evacuated with the exception of a family trapped up on the fourth floor. Buck tilts his head back and peers up at the building.

The flames are fierce and unrelenting. Buck doubts they’ll even be able to access the staircases at this point. Bobby confirms his suspicion which leaves them only one option.

“I can do it,” Buck volunteers. He’s accustomed to the pulley; he’s worked with the gear so many times that Buck is certain he could do rope rescues in his sleep.

“Let’s get you geared up. I want you and Eddie on this one,” Bobby says.

Buck catches Eddie’s eye and the man nods once at him, determination clear in his eyes. They may have been out of sync all day but there are people’s lives at serious risk. Whatever awkwardness Buck has been feeling in being around Eddie again gets shelved. 

He and Eddie get set up on the roof in their harnesses and begin to descend when they’re given the all clear. Buck keeps his pace steady, not wanting to go too fast or too slow. Every second is precious but he knows he has to be mindful of his own self, too. 

He’s halfway down when something doesn’t feel right. Buck has done this a hundred times, he can feel something is off in the way the cord holds him the longer he’s suspended from it. He looks up but he doesn’t see any thinning. It’s not exactly a comfort. The cord could very well be breaking apart from higher up than his eye can see. Eddie is a few feet from him, stopping when he notes Buck’s hesitation.

“What’s wrong?” Eddie calls out.

“Something’s wrong with my rope.” Buck feels it in his bones. 

Eddie’s expression is pained. He looks around them, the smoke billowing, the heat making both their faces sweat. This isn’t an ideal situation but Buck isn’t alone; Eddie is right there, tugging his own rope to make sure there isn’t an issue for him either before he speaks.

“Can you make it to me?”

Eddie reaches out a hand to him but Buck is swaying too much on his cord. He tries grabbing onto Eddie regardless, their gloved fingertips just barely grazing before Buck is pushed out too widely to the left. He can feel the cord straining with his weight. He grunts, propelling himself towards Eddie but there isn’t enough momentum to get him there.

“You can do this, Buck,” Eddie urges. “I’ve got you.”

Buck wraps himself up in that promise. They’ve vowed to have each other’s back, that was something Eddie had never wavered on and Buck never doubted Eddie would do everything within his power to make good on. Despite the strangeness between them now, he still trusts Eddie. The man looks to him pleadingly, almost desperate and frantic to get Buck to safety. Even if Eddie doesn’t love him in the ways he hopes he’ll come to in time, there’s no questioning his loyalty now.

Steeling himself, Buck rocks forward one more time, trying to focus on his own movements and not the thinning rope he’s clutching in his hands. If he can get his timing just right, he’ll be able to latch onto Eddie who has his feet planted against the glass, the perfect anchor to support both their weight.

Buck nods at him, hoping that now more than at any point today they’ll manage to get their timing down right. It’s not as if Buck has any other option at this point. He kicks off the side of the building, one hand reaching for Eddie’s outstretched palm but he doesn’t even make it half the way when he hears the unmistakable sound of the cord giving way.

“Buck, no!” Eddie shouts and his echoing voice follows Buck down.

He free falls, wind rushing in his ears. There’s a collective gasp of people down below or maybe he’s making that up. Buck has the presence of mind to brace his neck. If nothing else, he knows he has to protect that over everything. Through it all he can hear Eddie screaming his name over and over, until Buck can’t even recognize the sound. 

Until there’s just nothing at all.

* * *

Eddie isn’t a particularly religious guy but he says something like a prayer, a wish to the universe begging for everything to turn out alright.

The 118 gathers in the waiting room but Eddie is too wound up to sit down like the others. He can’t stop replaying Buck’s accident, like some sick twisted video on a loop in his mind. He can still hear the wire snapping and the sound of Buck’s body crumpling against the pavement. Whether his eyes are opened or closed, there’s no escaping the image. It’s forever burned into Eddie’s memory now.

If only he’d been faster, he could have...Eddie isn’t quite sure but he feels as if there was more that he could have done up there other than scream Buck’s name and fail to grab on to him. Buck was his partner and he hadn’t done right by him tonight. There was no getting over that for Eddie. He and Buck had made one promise to each other, one simple oath that Eddie had taken to be sacred. 

During each call the two went on together, Eddie had managed to hold up his end of the bargain, same as Buck had to have each other’s back. No matter what the task was, they got through every shift together, a well-oiled machine that was perfectly in sync. But their rhythm has been off as of late, ever since that day Buck left out of the station in a hurry.

Eddie feels like he has been actively trying to steer them back but there was a resistance on Buck’s end that Eddie didn’t know the source of. If he could find out why Buck has been pulling away, he could then figure out how to make things better.

Eddie continues to pace as Chim and Hen sit beside each other, murmuring quietly every now and then but for the most part they’re completely silent. Bobby’s speaking with one of the nurses, trying to get information.

They all have questions, most important of all knowing whether or not Buck is going to be okay. For Eddie’s sanity, he just needs that one question answered above all else. He isn’t sure he’ll be able to function if it turns out that Buck’s injuries are life-threatening. He can’t lose his best friend, the closest person to him. He feels sick to his stomach with worry.

Hen tries urging him to take a seat but his body won’t allow him to get comfortable. He needs to be on his feet, ready to spring into action the second they learn something of substance.

Bobby returns to the group and Chim is the first to notice, speaking directly to their captain as he approaches.

“Any news?” he asks. Eddie comes closer, his fingers tapping soundlessly against his leg.

“The nurse I spoke to said she’ll send the doctor out shortly so we have to hang tight a little while longer.”

Eddie doesn’t like the sound of that. There’s nothing comforting in being told to sit tight inside of a hospital. If they were about to receive good news, surely the nurse would alleviate some of their concern instead of passing the conversation off to the doctor. Eddie wasn’t sure of the semantics involved, who was at liberty to say what but he thought it best to prepare himself for the worst just in case. Life in the military taught him that much but once again Eddie found himself praying this fear would be for nothing.

“Are you all here for Evan Buckley?” a doctor asks. Eddie blinks rapidly, his mind trying to parse the very simple question she asked. But for Eddie, this is perhaps the most complex thing he’s ever heard.

He had never stopped to ask anyone, namely Buck what his first name was. He’d gotten to the 118 and had fallen right into line with calling him Buck. It was how he was introduced to him. It was the only thing anyone ever referred to him as. Eddie feels foolish for not putting more thought to it but he’d just grown so accustomed to referring to him as Buck in the same way the team always called Chimney by his nickname.

As Bobby rushes over to the young woman and begins questioning her on Buck’s state, Eddie finally takes a seat for the first time. His legs can’t seem to hold his weight anymore. The room is spinning and he’s not entirely sure he isn’t going to faint right now on the linoleum floor. The overhead lights are too bright. He’s in sensory overload with one thing finally casting out the sight of Buck on the street.

_Evan. Evan. Evan._

A new mantra, a new spiral for him to get lost in.

He can hear Hen beside him but it sounds like she’s actually miles away from him. It’s as if he’s under murky water. Eddie can make out shapes and sounds but it’s all blurred. Nothing feels concrete right now. Nothing feels real and Eddie realizes that includes himself. He’s floating somewhere under all of this. He’s lightyears away from the hospital room, on another plane of existence. He can only see himself now as if outside his body, nothing but pure shock and confusion sweeping through. It’s enough to knock the air clean out of his lungs.

That’s his soulmate in there, he’s convinced of it now. Even without Buck saying it to him or having confirmation that somewhere on Buck’s body, Eddie’s name is branded on there, Eddie knows this has to be true. He doesn’t know anyone else named Evan. The pull he’s felt since the beginning, the timing of it all— it just fits.

This is why he always seems to gravitate towards Buck, why he’s felt knocked off his axis since that late evening at the station. Guilt and shame roil inside him as he recalls that conversation with his co-workers. No wonder Buck had marched off. Who could blame him for not wanting to stick around and hear his soulmate say he was okay with waiting?

Eddie’s eyes burn with tears and they soon race down his face with such fervor but Eddie can’t bring himself to care about what he must look like now. All he wants to do is race to Buck’s bedside and be there for him now. He can’t take being apart for even a minute longer. They’ve waited long enough and perhaps now isn’t the best time to have this conversation— he knows it isn’t, but he needs to fix it somehow. He needs to make this right, to make Buck understand that he wants this more than anything. That this whole time he’s been feeling their connection but had simply been unclear that they were actually destined.

It was all just one big misunderstanding. He needed Buck to understand this and now Buck was laid up in a hospital bed with no way of knowing that he knew what Buck must have all along. What if something were to happen to Buck and they never got the chance to acknowledge this?

Hen crouches down in front of him saying something but Eddie can’t decipher the words just yet. His chest hurts, his eyes are still keeping up a steady stream. Would the universe be so cruel as to have him come this close to having everything only to snatch it away at the last possible second?

“Eddie, please answer me,” Hen urges, pulling Eddie from the tide he’s been swept away on.

He looks at her, truly working hard to fix his eyes on her face. Behind her glasses her eyes are wide with concern and she glances to her left. Eddie turns his head slightly to see what she’s looking at and there’s Chimney with a similar expression on his face.

“I think he’s just in shock over everything. It’s hitting him,” Chimney says. 

“An anxiety attack,” Hen says quietly, putting a hand on his knee.

Eddie can hear footsteps coming toward where they’re clustered together. Eddie feels a sturdy hand come to rest on his shoulder and Eddie uses that as a rope to pull him back to the present moment. His heart is still racing but his surroundings don’t feel quite as overwhelming as they did a few moments ago. Hen’s expression is still tight and Chimney is cracking open a bottle of water and handing it to him.

Eddie’s hand shakes as he reaches out to grab it.

“Easy. There you go,” Bobby coaxes, patting him on the back as he drinks. “It’s alright. You’re alright.”

Eddie exhales sharply and nods. He quickly swipes at his face, clearing his throat.

“I’m sorry. I…I don’t know what happened.” 

It’s a lie, a blatant one at that but the truth is something he wants to keep to himself for right now. The first person who needs to hear about his revelation is the man whose name is printed on his skin.

The others are swift in assuring him that it’s okay, that it’s perfectly normal to worry after a co-worker at a time like this. He supposes that’s true but it was a combination of things that Eddie doesn’t even know how to begin discussing with them right now. He’s just glad for the fact that he doesn’t have to get into it. It’s more than reasonable to stick to part of the truth, the one that isn’t him disclosing the fact that he lost it because he's just discovered that he and Buck are soulmates.

Soulmates. Fated. Destined.

He’s spent weeks harboring a crush for Buck and hating himself for it, so sure that it would amount to nothing. He can’t wrap his mind around the sudden twist.

“What did the doctor have to say about Buck?” Hen asks. 

Eddie and the others stare intently at Bobby. The man’s face is grave and Eddie feels yet another twist in his gut at the sight. This night just may very well be the death of him. 

“He’s resting now but the doctor said he’s got two broken ribs, a broken leg, and a broken arm.”

Chim and Hen gasp but Eddie isn’t so sure he has any breath left in him. He’s completely carved out; he feels hollow and numb. 

“He’s going to be out of commission for a while. But he’s going to recover and that’s what we need to focus up on now. He’s going to need all the support he can get over the coming weeks,” Bobby continues.

Eddie can do that for Buck. He failed him tonight but he can and will do better going forward, in all regards. Hen and Chim turn to each other and start speaking in low voices and Eddie is glad neither of them is expecting him to follow along or be part of the conversation. He takes another sip of his water to settle himself.

“You okay, Eddie?” Bobby asks him.

Eddie turns to look at him and nods, raking a hand through his hair.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good. I’m alright.” He tries to smile but he can feel it falls flat. Bobby eyes him briefly.

“Take a walk with me.”

Eddie looks around to Hen and Chimney, their words petering out as Bobby rises from his seat and gestures for Eddie to follow.

“Come on, just a quick lap around.”

Eddie gets up, glancing one time over at his friends before moving to his captain’s side. He isn’t sure why Bobby is singling him out now. He and Bobby have chatted, of course, but a one-on-one interaction like this, purposely making it so they’re alone is different.

Bobby leads the way and Eddie stays close to his side, unsure of what to say or if he even needs to speak.

“It’s a scary thing seeing someone you care for get hurt like that,” Bobby says. “Especially someone you love.”

Eddie opens his mouth to interject and Bobby just smiles. “He’s your best friend. He matters to you in a way I'm guessing no one ever has.”

Eddie holds onto his left wrist. Buck’s name is safely hidden there but it’s starting to feel like Bobby has X-ray vision and is seeing through to him and the real dynamics at play here. Is it that obvious to this man that he and Buck were meant to be together? Eddie had only privately held the idea close to him but it seemed like this was a notion Bobby had been ruminating over for a while now. What more did he observe? What other facets did he see? Why was it clearer for Bobby than it had been for him? Eddie has a hundred questions but none of them break through.

“I’ll feel better once I see him myself, you know?”

“He asked to see you before they sedated him. No one else from the team. Just you.”

Eddie looks away, taking a sudden interest in the watercolor paintings lining the hall between rooms. It touches his heart to know that in the midst of all he was going through, Buck still had him on his mind. Buck is all he’s been thinking about, all he cares about.

“He’s in room 416. Just down toward the end of this hall on the right,” Bobby says, coming to a stop.

Eddie looks to Bobby, stopping in his tracks too at the top of the corridor. 

“Captain?”

Bobby shrugs, filling in the question Eddie doesn’t know how to ask. 

“I just thought you had a right to know. If that were Athena in there and she wanted to see me, nothing would stand in my way. I get the feeling you’re of the same mind.”

“Bobby—”

“Down the hall, on your right. See you in the morning, Eddie.”

Bobby turns and leaves Eddie standing there alone. 

He stares after him before looking back down the empty hallway, nothing standing between him and Buck now. Eddie walks quickly down the hall, keeping his eyes on the numbers of each door he passes until he falters outside of 416. He bites on the inside of his lower lip and pushes open the door, popping his head inside. As expected, Buck is asleep but Eddie still makes sure to quietly step inside and close the door.

Looking at Buck now breaks his heart all over again. Buck looks so young and fragile there in his hospital bed but he takes some small comfort in noting that Buck’s face actually looks relaxed once he gets past the cuts and scratches. The most notable sights are the casts on his arm and leg, the latter of which is elevated. It kills Eddie to see him like this but he actively reminds himself that the worst of it is over, that Buck is safe now and he will get better before long.

Eddie lingers by the door, suddenly feeling unsure of himself. He wants to stay at Buck’s side but he also fears how Buck might react to seeing him when he wakes up. Will he be angry if Eddie’s the first person he sees? Eddie knows what Bobby just disclosed to him but maybe it was a heat of the moment response. Will Buck actually prefer someone else on the team now that he’s settled down? Eddie casts his doubts aside. They’re soulmates. It has to be him regardless.

Eddie crosses the room and pulls up a chair to Buck’s bedside. There’s no sound in the room aside from the steady beeping of the machines hooked up to Buck. Settled into his seat, he tentatively reaches out a hand and holds onto Buck’s left hand, his good one. He strokes the back of his hand, his thumb skimming over the veins, mindful of the IV.

No, Eddie isn’t a particularly religious guy but he sits beside Buck, head bowed and, almost as if in prayer, murmurs his wishes to the universe. He wishes for Buck to have a speedy recovery. He wishes that the two will be okay, that Buck can forgive him for being so oblivious and undoubtedly hurting him. He wishes he could undo so much but he knows this last wish is impossible. All he can do now is charter the waters ahead to the best of his abilities and ensure smoother sailing in the future. 

“Eddie.” It’s spoken in a whisper but in the silence of the room Buck’s voice is like a shot in the dark.

Eddie’s head snaps up and he grips Buck’s hand a bit harder, his other hand running up the length of his forearm and coming to rest against his bicep.

“Buck,” he croaks, his voice heavy with emotion.

Buck’s eyes widen in surprise at the tone of it, his lips parting. Eddie can feel his eyes watering but he doesn’t do anything to stop it. 

“Or should I say Evan?”

Eddie has spent the last nine years running both to and away from this moment. It’s been a treacherous journey, rife with complications and setbacks. Now he finally gets to rest his weary body down someplace he knows it will be protected and cared for. He’s going to lay it all out on the table. Eddie has lived his whole life holding himself back, confining himself in ways to suit others. He’s tired of doing that and he can’t think of a better time than now to be open about all that he’s come to see.

Buck sits up in bed, wincing. Eddie rises instantly, reaching out to help Buck shift but he manages fine on his own. Eddie stands at his bedside, collecting himself for a moment before taking off his watch and pocketing it.

He holds his left wrist out slowly for Buck to see what’s written there. Buck doesn’t say anything and Eddie doesn’t push as Buck looks on in wonder. He knows Buck needs time to fully absorb this even though he’s already solved the riddle. Actually seeing the marking is something else entirely.

Buck traces his finger over his own name. Eddie gets chills at touch, his body tensing.

“I’m sorry,” Buck says, lowering his hand, balling it into a loose fist, his eyes searching Eddie’s face.

Eddie shakes his head. “No, um, I—I liked it.” He feels bashful making a confession like that but he misses Buck’s touch. It’s subtle but so intimate and he craves more.

Buck smiles slowly and resumes, this time going even slower as he follows lines and curves that spell out his name on Eddie’s skin. It’s a full circle moment, like a sculptor finally seeing their finished product after digging within the clay to pull something out. Buck seems to revel in this sight and Eddie basks in watching him enjoy it.

After a few moments Buck pulls his eyes back to Eddie and just stares at him. Eddie gets it. He isn’t even sure what to say now but it’s just enough to have Buck there, to have this truth living with them. Words are failing him and Eddie can admit he’s never been the best with them to begin with.

“How long have you known?” Eddie asks.

Buck’s hand slips away and he swallows thickly. 

“Since the day we met, actually. Well, the day we officially met at the station. I wanted to say something so many times but I didn’t think you wanted to hear it. I wasn’t sure you were in the right place, you know? You had just moved to a new state. You were trying to get settled. And then that day we were all talking about soulmates…I talked myself out of it.”

Eddie feels his stomach cinch. He remembers how indifferent he must’ve come across as. He can’t imagine what that must have been like for Buck. Never in his wildest dreams would he have imagined his other half was standing right beside him at that moment.

“I feel like the biggest idiot in the world,” Eddie says. “I didn’t mean it like that. The thing is, I’ve been falling for you this whole time but I didn’t think...I don’t know why I never thought to ask what your first name was. It took you landing in the hospital tonight for me to find out that you’re the guy I’ve been wondering about since I got out to L.A. I’ve wanted you this whole time, Buck. I need you to know that. Seeing you fall tonight, I thought I’d lost you and thinking we’d never get the chance to—”

He stops short there and sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose to try and pull himself together. 

“The only reason why I said I wasn’t in a rush was because I was enjoying my time with you. I didn’t want to give that up. Turns out I don’t have to,” he continues, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. “You were mine all along, just as I’ve always been yours.”

Buck gives a small, thoughtful smile, his gaze slipping away from Eddie’s face to his wrist briefly and back.

“I can’t believe this is actually happening,” Buck murmurs, more so to himself.

Eddie can’t either and yet here they are in this moment they both feared would never come. That pull that’s been there since day one makes its presence known, fueling Eddie’s desire to get closer to Buck now.

He leans in tentatively, silently asking a question. Buck closes the distance, answering with a resounding yes. The man’s breath hitches, a soft burst of air spreading across Eddie’s lips like a phantom kiss. Eddie aches for the real thing. He cups his hand against Buck’s cheek gently, Eddie’s nose brushing lightly against his before making the jump and pressing his lips to Buck’s.

This is like an exercise in trust, Eddie thinks, to fall from such a great height with the faith that his partner will be there to catch him. Buck does so instantly, his mouth warm and safe like slipping into a well-worn sweater. This is something Eddie could easily wrap himself in and be comforted by each and every day.

There’s so much Eddie wishes to convey in this kiss: his apology, his longing, his want, his need. Buck seems to understand it; his lips are saying the same thing, too. For nine years they’ve been on opposite sides of the void shouting into it, just hoping to get even a whisper in return. Now all that they’ve spoken to the universe over the years is bouncing back at once. Every fear, every insecurity, every moment of doubt. It’s all being healed by this kiss. It’s overwhelming but Eddie gets lost in the rush of it with Buck as his tether.

There is nothing else in the world for Eddie right now other than this perfect pair of lips and the man he’s holding. It’s easy to forget they’re in a hospital room, that Buck has sustained injuries it’ll take him weeks to recover from. Eddie hopes to be the antidote to every hurt both physical and emotional. Buck deserves nothing but good things and Eddie prays that he can be that to him, a great thing in fact.

Buck deepens the kiss, his tongue working its way into Eddie’s mouth. Whatever Buck wants, Eddie’s willing to give to him. His mind, his body, his soul. After all, they’ve got the markings to prove they belong to each other completely. There’s a hunger here on both their parts, so starved they’ve been for nearly a decade. This is both a welcome and a homecoming.

Eddie shivers as Buck’s hand slides into his hair and grips as if to keep him in place. It’s almost a laughable notion. There isn’t a single place in the world Eddie would rather be right now than pressed up against Buck and kissing him until his lungs give out.

It doesn’t come as a surprise to Eddie that they’ve found their rhythm here as well. They’ve proven time and time again that they play off each other expertly, instinctively knowing when to push or pull. Eddie loses himself in their kiss, all his fears and trouble dissipating. There’s no room for that here, not in this perfect moment with his Buck.

Eddie pulls back as Buck does, his breathing uneven as he leans in and presses his forehead against Buck’s to steady himself. His body feels like a live wire, as if one sudden move could set the world on fire.

He keeps his hand on Buck’s face, stroking his cheek. He can’t seem to keep his hands off the other man and he isn’t so sure he’ll ever be able to again. He’s gone far too long without this access. He’s not about to part with it now.

“I’m sorry I took so long,” he rasps, as Buck’s fingers comb gently through his hair.

To think of all the time he’s managed to waste since his first day at the station makes him so angry with himself. Of all the time he’s spent convincing himself Buck wasn’t his destiny. Of all the time he’s gone without seeing the truth that was right in front of him. Eddie is sorry for every second of it and he can only hope Buck knows and understands that.

Buck’s hand slides from his hair to his face, strokes his cheek as well and Eddie’s eyes close at the tender touch. This is more than he ever thought he’d have with Buck and the realization that this is merely day one of forever furthers his breathlessness.

“I swear to you, I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here. I always will be,” he promises.

“It’s okay. We’re here now. And besides,” Buck says quietly, stealing one more kiss. “You were well worth the wait.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's all folks! let me know what you think? i cannot even begin to express how much i've appreciated every single comment, like, reblog, and kudos you all have been so kind enough to give this story. it's been such a pleasure for me to write this fic and tbh i'm so sad it's officially over but i'm beyond glad you all indulged me every step of the way! thank you, a million times over. feel free to chat with me in the comments or on the hellscape that is tumblr, @benjisvictor <33

**Author's Note:**

> this chapter really had to lay down a lot of groundwork, my goodness. let me know what you think? as always, feel free to catch me on tumblr @benjisvictor <33


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